The other day i got invited to fill in for someone who bowed out at the last minute... to play at a fundraiser event for a sister who is dealing with the big "C"... cancer... so, without hesitation, i said yes... So, this past Saturday evening, seven musicians and i gathered at the W.I.S.E. Club here in Vancouver at 5:30 pm to do our sound check and get ready for the evening's performance... the organizers of the event had planned this as a fund-raiser for their friend... to raise funds for her high medical bills and help her out... What a wonderful thing to do and i was honoured to be a part of it... even though i didn't even know this woman... The evening was organized like the Canadian Idol TV show... hence the reason they needed 8 musicians... an even number... Four of us were picked to play the first round and then the audience would vote by paying a dollar-a-vote and the most-voted 2 would move on to a final round... the same would happen with the next four... pick two and they would move on to the last round as well for another final group of 4... from there they would vote for an overall winner... They also had a panel of 5 judges lined up as well... the ticket to get into the night's event was 20 bucks... At the time i said yes.. i didn't think much of the "format" of the show... thinking it was an easy gig... to play one, maybe two tunes to a friendly audience, help out a sister, get an opportunity to play and go home... however... for the day and half i had to decide on what to play for this event... i agonized about what to play and couldn't decide what ... i certainly knew i didn't want to get into the "competition" so to speak cuz i'm not the competitive type... but i couldn't help but wonder that there could be that slight possibility that i could maybe... win... ??? Naaah... probably not... and so... what to play?... do i play something i wrote or do i do something campy or funny like a cover tune and wow them away... knowing full well that more than likely, the woman who would win will probably go all out and camp it out and get the audience on their feet cheering... and then after thinking all this... i started to get a little nervous about it all... cuz i really don't like competition at all... and so, why was i doing this, really?... I was doing this because my friend had asked me to and the main focus of the event was to help out a sister in my community... great. ...got that clear... so, i decided pretty much at the last minute to do my own songs... i saw it as an opportunity to play my own stuff and see what kind of feedback i would get... also... i really like playing my own songs better anyway... i picked two of my own, just in case i got voted on to the last group... you never know... right? Well.. that evening was certainly interesting... my friend who is a very talented, wonderful singer-songwriter (and guitar player) was up first in the first group.. and she played and sang really well.. got a great cheering applause and had many nice comments from the judges... next, was a woman who got up and sang to a cover song with an over-produced CD for backup... the crowd loved it...! i was right... the crowd is definitely going to go for this instead of the half of us who are singer-songwriter/instrumentalists... and sure enough that's how the evening went... only one of the singer-songwriters moved to the final round... i think because, at the last minute she chose a song about "being naked" that she wrote instead of the one she did at the sound-check earlier... and of course wowed the crowd and moved on... I was up first in the second round and did my own composition on a little dulcitar guitar and sang "a mother's cry"... a moving, somewhat haunting song about the 3 mothers in my life... my birth mom, my adopted mom and our blessed earth mother...about half way through it, i could hear a lot women in the back talking loudly through it until someone finally "shhhh'ed" them and then it got real quiet as i sang the rest of my song... i got a pretty good applause and nice comments from the judges like my friend... got off stage and was quite glad that my part was over... i didn't move ahead. However, during the breaks.. a few women came up to me and thanked me for the song i did and told me how much they enjoyed it... one asked if i had a CD and another asked if i was playing around town and hoped that she could hear me again... that felt good and it seemed i acomplished what i came to do... and had helped out my sister at the same time... and that sure felt real good. The woman who won had dressed up in a long low-cut evening dress and gloves with high heels including lots of makeup and sang her guts out to "fever" (with CD backup) and had everyone, including me on their feet cheering for more... she was awesome and she was the nights winning idol... and we raised over $1200 for our dear sister... and had one heck of a lot of fun at the same time... and me?... i guess in my own way, i was a last minute idol... for a few minutes anyway.... brightest blessings... weaver (((o)))
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Lately... i've been too busy again... and so what else is new eh?... Last Saturday i was attempting to sleep in a tad... to get caught up on some much-needed rest... and while i was lying about in and out of consciousness with the sheets pulled up over my head... i became aware that i could hear the cry of a bird outside... and it seemed to sound like the cry of flicker... (a woodpecker)... This was no simple cry... or call... and as i lay there listening... the flicker kept calling and crying over and over and over... after listening to this for about 10 minutes or so... i finally dragged myself out of bed to go have a look to see what was going on... When i got to the window and looked out... there he or she was... about 20 feet away in the yard, perched precariously on the top of a fir tree... still wailing away... it seemed he or she was yakking at me for some reason... i looked around to see if it was upset for some other reason... but there seemed to be no reason... the flicker just kept on crying and crying... I love flickers and have a fond connection to them.... when i'm out walking in the forest... i love it when i sometimes hear the flickers or woodpeckers peck on an old, broken dead tree... it fascinates me how their fast drumming can radiate and echo for a long time... In the medicine/spiritual way as a totem... one aspect of the flicker is known to be "the drummer"... so, i can certainly relate to the flicker because i'm a drummer too... sometimes it seems that flickers will show up in my life to tell or show me something... usually when i least expect it... Like one time a couple of years ago... when i was honoured to become the caretaker of a very special drum... a 27 inch Kilaut frame drum that was built for me by a master drum-builder from the eastern United States.... for some reason i'm not sure why i became very called to this particular drum... when i was first becoming acquainted with this drum, i was dealing with many feelings about feeling worthy to be a carrier of this drum... maybe i was also feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for this drum... as this special drum held much power and healing in some way... that was for sure... i can't tell you how i felt when that drum first "played" me... Well... one day as i was going for a walk with my dog and my partner during that time... i was expressing some of those feelings to her... and as i had just finished expressing my thoughts of unworthiness and doubt... we suddenly heard a loud screech response high above us... as we turned back to look where this scream had come.... there, sitting on the tip of the tallest tree in the parking lot was a flicker... confidently swaying back and forth... staring at us... i swear almost laughing at me.... my partner said to me with a smirk... "well, carol don't you think that's your answer?"... So... what was the message this time...? i'm not sure... as i went out on the porch to get a better look... i sat down on the chair to witness this event with even more curiousity... the flicker took flight and started to fly towards me in a wide circle and made it's way back to the same tree... it perched again and then did this flying dance a couple times more... and while he/she was flying, made this interesting warbling sound... when she/he got back to the tree and landed... continued to cry and call as usual... I also noticed that off to the right, a little further away... were two more flickers... silently perched near each other on the tops of trees as well... like they were holding space or being a witness to the one crying and continuing to call... eventually, the flicker finally stopped crying and suddenly flew away... in the silence, i continued to sit in the chair and wonder... and also felt honoured by my being witness to a wonder of nature... was this event just a coincidence or really meant for me? I'm still not really sure... maybe it was yet another message or an affirmation for me to know that i truly am worthy... that i am a human being on this vast earth with worth... like all human beings... maybe it was a reflection of how i've been feeling these past few months... a reflection of my own crying inside of all that i've lost and grieved... maybe i just didn't get the message at all...? Maybe it'll come to me another time? Maybe never.... or... maybe it was a message for me just get my butt out of bed and get on with it... maybe? weaver x (((o))) I was sent home with mesa homework yet again from the 7th fire (animistic energy training) a number of months ago… and, an interesting practice of feeding a swirling wild feminine energy that was put into my mesa called a huaca.... My life this past year has been like a huaca, a 'pachacuti' - a turning over.... and has been literally turned upside down… My relationship of almost eight years rapidly dissolved right before my eyes… it went in a direction that i couldn't seem to steer in any way… During most of those years, i’ve tried my best to do what some might call, “make the best of it” and be the best person i can be… I strive to grow as any human can… with courage to honour my self and my spiritual path and my calling… questing for answers that continually nag at me… and, can’t ignore the stirrings that rise within me… i have to listen to my gut… and somehow honour and find my own true way… how can i not listen to my inner being and be who i truly am? Many times i questioned why is it, that it had to be sooo hard to share that with someone who is not on the same path?… i never understood why i was continually judged for being on my own path? I often felt like i was the one giving support in many ways… I gave up long ago offering invitations to this person dear to me, to share a path that has helped me so much in my growth... and now, to have come to a place of realization that i must honour this person's own path… I have to admit that i sometimes get jealous that other partnerships can share a similar path together… but i guess that this is not to happen for me, and i do my best to honour and allow that… And… so… i continue to respect and practice my spiritual (shamanic) path as best as i can… and i exercise my daily homework… this one day, i open my mesa, the mirror of my becoming of my healed state… and oh, how i yearn for that healed state… especially now… during this emotional roller-coaster pacha of time… and so… through my beloved and caring stones (khuyas), i consciously feed and care for them within the swirling hurricane that is presently going on in my life… This is not an easy path of late… it seems no matter what i say or do… i'm not heard or seen in the way i have truly intended… when i feel i have intended in a most loving way that i can… I question often where all the rage and disdain hurling towards me comes from?... What the heck happened to the communication - where and how did it all break down?... it can be crazy-making to say the least… I keep ducking the relentless sticks and stones and continual verbal and energetic abuse... As i sit in mindful contemplation with my altar of beloved… i am unexpectedly and immediately journeyed way back to a time of my childhood… to an age when i was about 11 or 12… i’m smack-back at summer camp on Vancouver Island at good ol' Camp Moorecroft… a wonderous place full of fond, fond memories… a place that offered me respite from the shouting-times of my childhood... it’s evening and everyone is at campfire time inside the big meeting hall… the fire is roaring in the stone fireplace and there is a girl, a little younger than me, sitting hesitantly on the edge of the front stage with her head down, looking at the floor… This particular campfire night, small groups and individuals are sharing skits, stories and songs with the whole group… i have already shared my contribution… and there sits this little girl on the stage… in great fear… she wants to share but keeps fleeing the stage because of being so shy and afraid… the whole group keeps cheering her back to the stage as she repeatedly attempts to go back to her seat, giving up… After numerous times of her back and forth dance… i am compelled to go up and and just sit beside her to lend some support to offer her sharing… and as i sit there beside her and the room goes quiet... she finally musters up the courage to share and after, everyone is on their feet cheering and applauding her… she is so thrilled and oh, so proud… The next day… the camp nurse came up to me to say that what i did to support that girl was one of the most loving things she had ever seen a kid do and then thanked and congratulated me for it… I'm now transported right back to the present moment with my mesa and the 13 churning loving khuyas embracing me with their light as they always do… and an overwhelming realization comes over me as to maybe why... one reason (of many), that being part of and in this relationship for so many years… was maybe... perhaps... that i was to lovingly “hold space” for her, someone else yet once again... to support them and hold space... to allow them to find their way to what they love and do… and she did get to do what she loves for her own path... big-time!... and... i am honoured to have been a part of supporting her path... And so... an irony... a life-time dream project for my partner finally did come to a completion for her... it was created and manifested... and arrived to where we were living, a finished product the very same day that we, as a couple separated and parted ways.......... wow..... I give many thanks and appreciation for my dear mesa—my blessed altar that shows and teaches me about my becoming.... to spirit... for the teachings and learnings received... brightest blessings....weaver (((o))) A number of years ago while spending the weekend on wonderful Bowen Island, i had a very interesting encounter... i met my estrella... A friend of mine and i were just arriving at the bed and breakfast where we were going to spend the next couple of days for some much-needed time off. After we parked the car on the side of the road, we started to unpack the car of our belongings. My friend was already heading up the steep driveway to the B and B with a load of stuff while i was still organizing a load for myself at the back of the car. I still had my head in the hatch of the car gathering my stuff when I heard a strange buzzing sound in the bushes at the side of the road. I couldn’t make out the sound but it seemed to be getting louder the more i focused on it... I looked over to where the sound seemed to be coming from but couldn’t see anything... and so.. I stepped into the brush ever so slightly and then saw something just above the shadowed bushes rocking back and forth... and it was humming and buzzing while it rocked... i couldn’t make out what it was but the sound kept getting louder and louder... and then i wondered if it was a hummingbird....... When... i realized what is was... all of a sudden, it shot straight up into the sky... it was a hummingbird! i watched as it flew up and up as far as i could see... and then lost track of it, it disappeared... i kept looking for it standing there with my arms full of stuff, wondering where it went... i kept looking for it for quite some time... and nothing... i gave up and went back to unpacking the car... As i turned back to the car, suddenly the hummer was flying back down, dive-bombing me... i quickly ducked as i could feel the wind brush the top of my head as he/she grazed over me and flew off... Wow... i couldn’t help but think all that was a tad personal... and i then wrote a poem about it... see the poem "quickening"... (a power song)... ...weaver x (((o))) Note... an 'estrella' is a Spanish word for 'star'... a spirit call, sacred representative or physical manifestation of a mountain apukuna spirit(s)... a guiding spirit or the finding of one's luck... the estrella can also be the way to communicate to the apu mountain spirit...
There are times I revisit moments of my childhood… my growing up on a potato + dairy farm just south of Vancouver… out on the mud flats of East Delta - in the Boundary Bay area…
I spent much time alone and by myself during those “grow-up” years… being a very shy and introverted kid, it was mostly to escape the 'dissonant episodes' in the household where I grew up… Time and again, I would flee those intense moments… And so… off I would go… in a ten minute walk or less… out to the back fields to just, be “away” from it all… It was there in the wide, open breath of fresh air, I would find solace and some peace… and a different quiet… sounds that didn’t threaten, though embraced and held me… I looked forward to the joys of encountering nature from the spaces of flat fields and the domed, white-clouded blue sky… Often I would take my kite or many kites, and put them all up in the wind, one at a time, and then tie them to the sharp barbed-wired fence or stake them out into the soft, rich earth … I'd lay right down, flat on my back between the angled strings… watching the coloured diamonds and their long tails dancing for hours on end… and if they would fall for whatever reason, I’d run and retrieve them…setting them up, a-flight once again… It wasn’t until my later years that, remembering all that “looking up”… that I had come to know the cloud people and their soft ways so well…I guess that was their “way”…’Cause I still know “them” to this day…. During the winters, with a hockey stick and puck, i'd skate forever on the frozen flooded fields... Sometimes I would build a little fire and invent my own ceremony for whatever reason or not… dreaming up little celebrations that of course, needed celebrating… to sing my own songs to the unending sky, and, dance self-consciously knowing that i wasn't really alone... or incessantly stare at the sparkling flames, burning down quickly to eventual small glowing embers... until they would all die in a sudden extinguished puff of smoke… only… for me to start it all over again…to be a witness to the life-process of flame all over again… I loved being mesmerized by the fire’s tale and it's inviting warmth… how it cleared + fed me…over and over… and it was never the same story…
In the dark and rainy days of late Fall/winter, I would still venture out to my land of respite… I'd find myself tracking the giant, dignified snowy owls that would come from far away places… They’d put up camp on the barbed-wired fence posts… and wait open-eyed-still for the unknowingly next meal scurrying or flying by…
On my belly, like a World War II soldier without a weapon… I would creep…slowly… silent... invisible…and, track them... hoping, with a bit of luck, to get even closer for a glimpse of their kingly state… Though, never could I get any closer... as often as not with a snap 360-degree turn, the owl would see me… then swiftly launch a silent departure…fly low, a vast spreaded wing-span and glide over to the next fence post or flooded field… Once again, to sit in a perch of stillness, tolerant of the relentless stinging rain… teasingly wait for me… like a game to perhaps break their boredom... I swear I could hear their chucklings at their next expected quest by me… Eventually frustrated… I’d stand straight up and stagger over to where one had just been… only to find their tightly-woven pellets of last lunches and suppers strewn on the ground at the foot of the fence post… I’d sit down cross-legged, and carefully, like a scientist, tear open each small, greyish package apart… revealing their regurgitated matted fur-bundle of tiny bones, feathers, fur and hair of field mice and small birds… I don’t think I ever got close enough to actually see one of those magnificent birds eye-to-eye… And so… I have much gratitude and thank sweet Spirit for the back field moments of my childhood - the gifts received in that place with sweet mount Baker holding my back… I thank the dear Goddess for the land and the beings (seen + unseen) that lived there that truly held me, who were my closest friends... I also give thanks for my family, who pushed me to the back fields, my home of refuge and respite, the places of my other Mother… my blessed Earth Mother… the beautiful land... as she fed me… she taught me… she showed me… and she held me… and she still does… she taught me to 'see' in ways I never thought possible... brightest blessings... weaver x (((o))) below, a beautiful video of the snowy owls of Boundary Bay - near where i grew up...
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i wish to acknowledge with gratitude that i live, work + play on the traditional and unceded territory of the Snuneymuxw First Nation...
my blog writings...i'm a creative soul choosing to walk softly on our blessed earth mother's back... more here... Spirit Art Frame Drum Available by weaver…
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