This post is to explain, why the ‘big hair’ from a past post titled, ‘my first drum-set is the one i’ll love forever’ >>

Back in 2008, i was accepted into the Vancouver Pride In Art juried art show called “Gender Twist”...  i was thrilled my painting ‘then i smoked a peterson pipe...’ was a part of this wonderful show at Roundhouse Community Arts and Recreation Centre.

It’s a self portrait i painted in acrylics on a 4 x 4 foot gallery canvas...  around the outside of the painting are the words:

​“true story... everybody thot i wuz a boy... so, i got my hair permed thinkin’ that would fix it... but that just made it worse,  so, then i smoked a peterson pipe...”

It’s funny, i wasn’t really sure i’d  be accepted into the show... when i entered my submission, i hadn’t painted the final size painting yet... i initially submitted a small 1x1-inch thumbnail study... 

Well, i was accepted into the show... and then, had to paint the full size painting... i had never painted that large before... though i was up to the challenge... It now hangs in a private collection of two dear friends.  It has certainly become one ‘conversation starter’...

When i was growing up, i was definitely a ‘tomboy’.... and, during most of my youth, i was constantly mistaken for a boy... Being already quite androgynous-looking... super skinny with short-cropped hair, always in jeans or shorts, t-shirt and a hat... and, it seemed the older i got into my teens, more-often i was being called ‘son’ or folk being totally confused to ‘what’ i was... 

When i hit high school... being frustrated that folk were continually confused and now, being teased by my peers, i pleaded with mom to get my hair permed... thinking that, if my hair was curly, people would perhaps stop seeing me as a ‘boy’... 

After much pleading, mom finally succumbed to my wish and i finally got my hair permed.

However, the perm went bad turning into a big complete mass ball of frizz... 

Getting a perm didn’t work at all... it made it worse... my crazy hair made me look even more androgynous!  By this time, i was living and working at a summer job in the interior of Naramata BC...

and, “then i smoked a peterson pipe!”

I really did for a time... a bunch of us did...and no one knew who or what we were... and, that didn’t matter... anymore.

With your dear drum in hand...  
or... perhaps hold + hug your drum close... heart-to-heart... close your eyes... go within... take a big belly breath...

then, allow that breath to gently fall out... connect in... say hello to the beautiful drum spirit you care for... the spirit of your drum... a living, breathing being of sound-light... say hello... listening... 

“listen, listen, listen... to my heart’s song...
listen, listen, listen... to my heart’s song...
i will never forget you... i will never forsake you...
i will never forget you... i will never forsake you...”
-Parmahansa Yogananda

The above is one way you can connect with your drum - particularly from a spiritual perspective...  i have held weekend workshops where we explore building a spiritual relationship with one’s sacred drum...

Of course, the best way to connect with your drum is to simply PLAY your drum...  and have fun playing... that is most important... 

It’s interesting... i hear from some folk who share with me, that they feel they can’t or don’t know how to drum... i often reply, asking them... “what do you think is the first sound you ever heard was?”

It was the sound of your own Mother’s blood pulsing through her veins while you lived in her womb for nine whole months... all you heard (once your ears were formed) was the flowing of your Mother’s blood... aligned with her beautiful pulsing heart...

You sure do know how to drum because of that First Sound... that first Pulsing from within your Mother... you KNOW this sacred sound well... Our Mother taught you well... this sacred Pulse is a part of who you are... since conception imbued in Rhythm... you are Pulse... Pulse is YOU... and that Rhythm connects us all... heart-to-heart to each other... and, to our blessed earth Mother’s beautiful pulse... Her Heartbeat... the Heartbeat of our Mother...

So, if you feel you can’t drum or wonder how you can drum... just hold your sweet drum right up to your heart... hug that dear soul right to your own heart... connect to your drum’s heart for a moment... make that time... just get quiet... and, with all your senses... listen... what are you feeling?... what are you sensing?... what may you be hearing?... what are you smelling or tasting?... Connecting... exploring and knowing what senses come forward for us, let’s us know how we can connect and access the subtle messages that come from Spirit... from our dear Mother... through our sacred drums... 

Building a relationship with our drum is a practice and... to get to know each other better is to simply practice connecting... the more we practice connecting on this spiritual level... the stronger the relationship builds... 

The sacred drum is + represents the beautiful ‘voice’ of our dear Mother earth... and, what better way to re-connect with our dear Mother than with our sweet drums... sooo... i welcome you go for it... just drum her beautiful voice... have fun + play your drum... 

Below, is a wonderful list of ‘true drumming basics’ that have been shared by Dr. John Diamond who wrote the book, “The Way of the Pulse’”...  what i love about this section of his book is how to ‘get out of head’s’ when playing our drums and to simply... drum from our beautiful hearts... 

and, please... don’t forget to have fun... lots of fun!!

by Dr. John Diamond - an excerpt... with a few additions from me...

• Play with your heart: wholehearted.  And with Passion: all your fire, filled with Enthusiasm...
• Every musician emphasizes a different aspect of the totality of the song. Yours is the most important – for rhythm is the most basic as it commences at the beginning of life, in the womb.
• Choose the drum whose soul you can most easily find.  This will be the one that most expands your chest, opens your heart. (or let the drum choose you!)
• Feel your chest resonate with the drum.
• The more your palms are up, the more you can give – as your arms come down, think up – always up.  Let the music lift.  Let it rise up.
• Loose wrists, body free.  Let your whole body do the playing.
• Love your left hand.  (or your less dominant hand) It wants to play easier – and it will.
• Don’t judge your playing – for then, it is not play, but hard work.  Just aim to refine your intention.
• Think of the drum as your Mother. Are you treating her right?  We don’t beat Her... we play with Her!
• Remember the sacred drum is an instrument of of love – not war.
• It’s not the volume, but the intensity of the feeling, at even the quietest level.
• Feel the Music flowing through all your body.
• Don’t play the drums – allow them to play you.  This is called the transcendental experience.
• Always keep in mind that all of you, your Totality – body, mind and spirit – is transmitted in each and every note.
• Give all of yourself.  This is me. Here I am.  All of me, now.
• Music can be the easiest way to Heaven on earth – if we want it to be.
• Look at your hands dancing like Fred Astaires’ feet.
• Be free – take risks.  You are safe.
• Always play the melody – and sing it.
• Imagine the drum is your heart, open in song.  The music its pulse.
• Be always aware of your breath.  Never jam it.  It must always be free, for only then are you free.  You can’t breathe freely to a metronome or click track.  For they are the beat. The free breath ebbs and flows to its own deep pulsations.
• When you are playing on the Pulse, it feels like the drum is playing you... and She is...
• Get on the wave of the Pulse, and ride it effortlessly all the way to the beach!
• I am real, I’m alive, I breathe.  I pulsate.  I am not a machine.  If they want the beat, they can buy a metronome.
• Don’t count – feel.  When the math comes in, the joy goes out.
• Play with joy, with a smile.  If you aren’t enjoying it – stop.
• Never just practice – that’s just the brain.... Always play, play + play = have fun!!!  :o)​

*The above excerpt from...
The Way of the Pulse by Dr. John Diamond >>
One of my most favourite drum books of all time... i highly recommend it being a part of your library...

​with much love, weaver x (((o)))

Back in 2006, during a sacred fire ceremony, i caught a moment’s glimpse of our circle ‘stepping into our becoming’ of who ‘we’ truly are... 

crystals carried...
mindfully left behind with
light-lined mountain spirit...

rumble sounds from deep within our Mother...

lying on my back letting go... letting go...
it’s okay... just letting go...

spirials of feather wands and stones...
drumming my core out and in again...

’round and ‘round we go...
again and again...
purple flamed fires
there... reflect...

our beautiful circle...

standing up... standing ready...
within all our glory...
​power-full!

eyes shining bright... faces so star-aware...
reclaiming who we truly are...

our blessed earth Mother...
Her children... re-membering...
we love... 

with brightest blessings... x (((o)))
​by weaver © 14/08/2006

i lovingly birthed this sacred red drum during the recent Capricorn waning crescent moon last week...

She is on a stained + finished 16-inch maple lightweight hoop... i painted her face with the waning crescent moon in gold acrylics on a beautiful dyed red elk spirit...

The inside of the hoop is stained in red ochre... the handle is finished in a soft red felt and the four-direction ties wrapped in gold sinew... the mallet handle is wood burned with a dyed red moose leather top pocket... 

During the birthing process i found her spirit to be one very happy drum... and i really enjoyed birthing her!  

I always open sacred space before i ever birth any drums or rattles - to create a sacred space for my guidance including our blessed earth Mother to come in + assist me... and it is this guidance that always leads the way...

It’s interesting... since birthing my own personal drum over 25 years ago, i have found that every  drum and that includes red drums that i have birthed, they all find their own voice... and i can’t control that - i have to get out of the way... oh, there have been times when i’ve been lax and have attempted to control or push how a drum is to birthed... and, often, most times, the birthing process ends up so much harder and sometimes, i have had to re-birth the drum all over again... because of my pushing... 

So, i have learned a lot over the years of being a drum maker... a drum birther... it is imperative that i hold + create this birthing process as a very sacred act... as i am birthing a new drum that represents the voice of blessed earth Mother... who am i to think it’s ‘me’ doing this work?.. it is my dear Mother including all the guidance i have called in within my sacred container who is actually creating this sacred work... i am only the ‘hands’ making + birthing a sacred drum... and in this case, this beautiful red drum...

With this particular “red drum”... once i was prepared, the hide was complete being dyed red + rehydrated as a living breathing spirit, my tools ready and my own sacred self holding the space, i was guided to simply get quiet... and meditate along with the pulse, the heartbeat of my dear Mother... i simply asked her beautiful, resonant voice to move through me to birth this lovely red drum... in spirit essence, together "we" are re-birthing/resurrecting this beautiful spirit... knowing the animal/animistic has preciously given their life to become this sacred drum... to become the blessed voice of our dear Mother...

So... i got my own self out of the way to allow her stunning spirit to birth Her own way...

The women’s red drum is very ancient holding much spirit... womyn’s spirit... representing the blood of our dear Mother and all women... birthing, rites of passage, our monthly blood cycles... our women’s mysteries... women have always drummed and are known to be the first drummers... women used to paint their drums with red ochre... that colour of red that comes directly from our earth mother... to represent our blood mysteries... our red drums were also used to invoke the great Goddess... Mother Gaia...  and we as women are now reclaiming our rites, our ceremonies celebrating who we are as womyn who deeply care about our dear Mother goddess...

i wrote more about how the herstory and spirit of the red drum revealed Herself to me here on my blog >>  

This red drum is awaiting her new care-taker to come forward when the time is right... If you would like to learn more about this sweet women’s red drum + have a wee listen, please feel free to visit my drum birthing shop page >>

Also... if you would like to place a custom red drum or other type of drum, please don’t hesitate to contact me... pricing for my custom drum birthing is on my shop page here >>

I also offer sacred drum birthing sessions twice a year (in the spring + fall) and private groups... For more info + upcoming dates about my drum birthing workshop intensives please visit this page here >>

with brightest blessings + much love...
weaverx (((o)))

​Wow... here's a blast from the past for throwback thursday today = holy whoa, look at that hair!!!...

Yes, this photo is of me in my early 20's... i believe this shot was probably taken when i either worked at Carnegie Centre in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver back in the early 80's (i also ran their coffeehouse)... or just out of high school in the late 70's when i played in a jazz trio in Naramata, BC...

Who knows... it was sooo long ago?

What's so cool in this photo, is that this is the first drum-kit i have owned... This is the set that my mom gave me for my 10th birthday!... and, i had that kit forever... I have to say that my10th birthday was the best ever...  I recall my mom telling me on the morning of my birthday, "Make sure you get home from school as soon as you can today for a big surprise!"... and later, when i did get home, there, strewn in the front hallway were a whole set of drums - for me!!!  

WOW!  I couldn't believe my eyes.... i wuz over the moon!!! ... It was the coolest thing my mom ever did... the bestest present ever... 

She had bought them used, though a local newspaper ad... They were certainly the ugliest and beat-up drums ever... as someone had re-covered them with horrible green paisley wallpaper... and, painted boldly on the front of the bass drum in VERY thick dark green oil paint, were the words, 'The Heard' ... plus, stuffed inside that kick/bass drum was old crumpled up newspaper sheets (to dampen the sound i suspect) dated back to the early 60's...

Though, i didn't care... i loved my drums cuz they were MY drums... Eventually, i fixed them up and re-covered them... and they went everywhere with me ... even to Alert Bay when i worked there for a short time and to the interior in Naramata + other places.......... I didn't realize until years later, when i gifted the set to the Carnegie coffeehouse that some of the parts were indeed vintage + probably worth something... like the Ludwig snare drum (an LM 400!)...  Apparently it's vintage was one of the most recorded snare drums in history... cool eh?...

My drums rocked!  I have to say that i'm thrilled to have this, a photo of them....... such a wonder-full memory...

Mom, you're simply the best! ... love you... xoxo

I explain why the 'big hair' in this post >>
tee tee!! x (((o)))

PS... it has been confirmed that the above photo was taken in the basement of McLaren Hall at Naramata Centre in about 1978 or 1979...

The other day, in a quiet moment... I was imagining... wondering what life may have looked like if I had grown up in a more positive environment?  Would I have more self-confidence?... be more extroverted?... would I feel as much as I do?... or see as deeply as I see? ...does it even matter?...

​Since the mark of the new year... especially during today's full moon/eclipse in cancer, i’ve been spending some good time journeying in... to that place of my own preciousness ... the place of my healed state - the light of who I truly am... it's been an interesting re-hello.........

Since moving here to beautiful Gabriola, I've learned a lot about fire... I like that I tend our hearth-fire... chopping wood, stacking, lighting... We heat our home exclusively with the wood stove... so, during the dark cold months, our fire is always going needing continual tending...

For the last couple of weeks, in the evenings, I've been quite drawn to sit on the floor, right in front of the wood stove... I love opening the door, welcoming the radiant heat blasting my face, all of me... appreciating how the warm goes right inside and through me... I'm really loving fire right now...  I know it's been helping me... 

Looking back... to a place before... little, young and wee... recalling dissonant heavy stuff that i managed to soak up like a soft sponge cuz I trusted... I felt a lot, a whole fecking lot!... took on agreements that weren't mine... didn't even belong to me...

​So i’ve been lovingly giving that heavy energy away... letting go... gifting it to the cleansing sacred fire... mindfully, safely opening up...unwinding my three worlds...

• the place of my will, at my belly of right action...
• the place of my compassionate heart of munay, right loving...
• and the place of my mind.... clear thinking, pure thought...

Choosing to empty it ALL out... that which no longer serves... all I've seen...  all I have heard... all I felt... yanking out a lot of the old threads... feeding them to the sacred flame... where my blessed earth mother welcomes my black compost, which feeds her... she then transforms that darkness back to Sami-light...resonant life... a beautiful relationship of reciprocity... I feed Her as She feeds me...

I pick it all out with my trusty seam-ripper ... cutting + pulling out long strands that have been running on automatic...in the background... like downed, live power-lines, flailing about...

After all that heaviness burns to the ground... I then gather that sweet gift of light transformed, back into my belly, heart and mind... re-informing... filling myself back up with the bright clear light of who I truly am...

hello weaver.........

It feels good to continue to rip out those embedded seams that don’t belong or match my own weave... my dreaming... 

​happy new year with brightest blessings... xo (((o)))

As a sacred drummer I've come to believe that the desire to build a sacred relationship does require sacred time to connect with that which you hold dear... it's all about simply saying hello and connecting... get it going...

Our blessed earth Mother connects deeply with us within every moment... are we listening? ...

One way we can connect with Her is... to sound her beautiful heart-voice... have a play-date with your dear drum... She would really like that... so, consider giving you drum a hug today... She just may surprise you and say hello back!

​xo ❣️❣️❣️—weaver x (((o)))

"Mother, Bear...
   invites me...
      into her darkly cave...
         where silence surrounds... the answers She gave..."

 "Interesting..."
is a word you may hear me utter... usually when i can't explain something... or i've experienced something profound through Spirit...  Recently i had a re-visit from Mother Bear... a spirit Bear...

​It seems my life's journey holds quite a magical bent... and, often feel like i don't know what i'm doing half the time... oh, i know that's a self-judgement... though i do "keep on keeping on"... staying on my path as best i can... and when i allow... 'magical stuff' can happen and will show up... usually when i least expect it... 

Recently, i was chatting with a dear friend about my creative process... and, how my own intuitional knowing doesn't always inform at the time i would prefer it... though, my inner knowing, creative sourcing will often kick in much later, sometimes days or weeks later or... my knowing informs in a whole different route than expected.  I would never claim i'm psychic though, know i'm definitely spirit-guided, individually intuitive with much gratitude... i am so blessed with a heck of a lot of unseen help from the Spirit realm... I am one lucky bum...

"living breathing light...
push kawsay holographic...
i know i'm out there..."  --Haiku by weaver...  

The word, "kawsay" (pronounced cow-sai), comes from the beautiful Quechua indigenous language meaning, "living breathing energy... life force, energy that animates the universe: it comes from the collective, from genetics and from spiritual energy... life, everything is energy; of the major organizing principles... energy that permeates all of Creation on various vibrational levels..." 

One potent teaching i received during my years of advanced shamanic training was to practice "pushing the kawsay"... This word reminds me of the Gaelic phrase, "Òran Mór" which means, the 'Great Song' of the Universe... where, everything has a song... it's own frequency and vibration... everything is singing!

Back in high school, an art teacher i had, eventually realized that it was best to remove me completely from the classroom, in order for me to be able to connect with 'my muse' and get some work done... as i tended to be over-disruptive during class... Mrs. Plummer would assign an art project where everyone would begin creating except me... i'd just sit there, staring about, not knowing what to do for the duration of the class, goofing off... It's like, i had to kick the assignment 'out there' to the art-goddess or whatever, and patiently wait for 'it', whatever 'it' was, to return back to me when 'it' was ready... i couldn't force it - believe me, i tried... 

Often, Mrs. Plummer, frustrated with my behaviour, would set me up alone in an empty classroom with art materials and sure enough, i'd eventually create - the 'muse' would finally fall out of me and i create stuff i never even knew i could create = was that me that did that?... I know now that i was perhaps"pushing the kawsay"...  I also visited the Principal's office way too often...

We're presently in the cycle of Lughnasadh  or Lúnasa from the Celtic realm of Scotland + Ireland... also known as Lammas in England... a seasonal one of four fire festivals... marking the time of harvest before the Celtic New Year of Samhain arrives at the end of October... On the wheel of life, we're also in the direction of the West, the time of the 'falling leaves' who teach us how to simply 'let go' with ease and grace... A dear friend recently shared with me that the leaves have "worked for and created much...they give to protect Mother Earth - there is much to learn here..."

Lughnasadh marks the beginning cycle of the noticeable descent of the Sun into the darkness of winter.  From the connection between the Earth (female principle) and the Sun (male principle), the union of the Sky Father (Sun God) with the Earth Mother we celebrated at Bealtaine, emerge the fruits of the first harvest of the year... Lughnasadh is a time of joy and celebration about the first fruits.  It is also a time of tension, because the dark days of winter are coming nearer, and most of the harvest is not brought in and stored away quite yet.

So, during this turning of the wheel is also a place of 'going within'  and introspection as we move more and more into  a cave of darkness, as our dear Mother slowly goes to sleep to deeply rest and regenerate during the cycle of winter... 

Three and a half years ago, before we moved to Gabriola, i had a very strong dream about a huge mother bear that 'sniffed me out'... I wrote about this powerful dream on my blog back in 2016 >>  I know that this dream marked a shift for my partner and i, in finding a new home... where, now we live on beautiful Gabriola Island, a 20-minute ferry ride from Nanaimo,  BC...  We never dreamed of living here before that dream...

​Interesting...

​Living here has been nothing short of magical where, every day we both continue to pinch ourselves... so deeply aware of the amazing blessings we continue to receive... with many new close friends, a nurturing supportive community and holy wow, a stunning beautiful sacred land to live upon the ancient sacred unceded territory of the Snuneymuxw people...

This past week, i was being called (more than once), to go back to a special place, a good walk from our home... to visit a very large stone-being i had unexpectedly met on one of my walks, a couple of years ago.  I seem to connect with big stone beings... they often like to reveal their faces to me... why, i do not know...

I recall being guided  off the main road to a trail i wasn't aware of... There was a sign that read, "public access"... so, i cautiously climbed down the steep, rocky-rooted trail... that led me to a high cliff above the ocean.  What a beautiful place i had stumbled on and i was all by myself and it felt so good to be there!...  I hold a fond memory of sitting in reverent silence for a long time on that sunny-warmed boulder... 

I was moved to explore, hiked around, up and down the dry, wild terrain... the place felt particularly special... inviting... covered in crunchy long grasses, stones, fallen branches, lichen, old gnarly arbutus, garry oak, maples, towering rock walls and honkin' huge boulders... I was drawn to head over to one very grand stone... right at the edge of the cliff... i asked permission to come close and was invited to connect with this big being... 

Again, i sat in still reflection as i gratefully leaned my stiff back into the side of this big loving rock that was probably 30-40 feet long and say,15 or more feet tall at her high point - she was one huge presence!... i made an offering of thanks for the gift of just  'being' in and on this beautiful sacred space, adoring the feeling of being deeply supported... sensed healing vibrations filling my body and weary soul...  I had such a wonder-full time with myself that afternoon filled with much gratitude and appreciation... 

Heading back up the rough trail to go home, i remember being nudged to turn around, being blown away by what my eyes saw, where i had just been, though didn't realize... that i had been communing, connecting with one very large Mother Stone Bear!! 

There she was in all her majesty, revealing herself from her side perspective - she was a megalith and oh, that shining face!  This was one big bear... a Mother Bear.   I stood there forever within utter awe... i couldn't take my eyes off of her... my heart safely opened... I was drawn to take a photograph of her because she was so stunningly beautiful... especially the way the warm sun lit up her sleek kind face... I'm so glad i still have that photo of her...

Interestingly... ... the spirit of the Bear sits in the West on the Great Song-Wheel of Life... representing introspection, reflection, slowing down, rest, respite, death and rebirth... going within during falling leaves time, to enter her embracing dark cave... to hibernate, heal + regenerate... Bear can also represent primal power, sovereignty and right-brain intuition coupled with instinct...  She also connects us to the beauty of art... re-bonding us with the very deepest of our ancestral roots within the belly of the Mother... She helps us to be in touch with the Primal Mother - the Bear Goddess Artio who will defend you fiercely from all uncertainty... 

Ancestral roots?... ... interesting...

The cave of Mother Bear is where She seeks answers while hibernating and dreaming... She then lazily awakens in the Spring, just like all the colours that emerge, awakening the power of the unconscious... Mother Bear asks us to walk the path of inward silence of the West ... to calm our inner chit-chat... the place of rites of passage... a path to the dreamtime... to dream our lives into being... along side with our dear Mother's own dreaming... 

This last week out walking, with full intention of honouring a strong pull to go back ... to visit the Mother Bear Rock once again...  Somehow i knew i needed to go though, wasn't really sure why... Was She calling me?... i don't know...

However, when arriving at the spot i remembered where the trail down to the cliff was, i noticed that there were new "private property" signs up to the right of the "public access" sign entrance... 

I carefully made my way down the rocky dry uneven trail... when i inched sideways further, there was also, a chain-link fence up, blocking the whole way to get down to where i knew Mother Bear was at the cliff's edge. 

I was royally annoyed.  Why was this barrier keeping me from visiting Mother Bear!...  I was sure She was calling me... Maybe not.  What happened to the 'public access' that's no longer public? What?... Whoever had bought the adjacent property next to the 'public access' marker had completely blocked any entry down to cliff's edge anymore... How dare they?

Yearning for another way... i was determined to get to Her and know why i was being so called...  I made my way down along the stupid fence... and, off to the left, discovered a steep climb towards the lower cliff though, noticed there was yet, another 'no trespassing' sign at the bottom...  Stink.  I'm really not going to get there, am i?.... not legally anyways... I began to make my way down though soon was 'told to stop'... I climbed back up, irked.

I kept asking myself, "Why was this being so difficult, being blocked?" ... Had i not been respectful with the Spirits?  Do i need to ask permission? 

I haven't asked permission...

I humbly asked with an old tree that was poking itself out horizontally towards the sun and Salish Sea... i pulled a small stone out of my pocket, mindfully blew some prayer though it, tucking as an offering in the bark of the tree, then sat down in deflated silence... i asked...

Awaiting some kind of reply, i heard a raven vocal-ing above... as shared air swished through her wings as she passed over, landing in a nearby branch... i asked again.

"You can connect with me from here now you know..." I heard in the middle of my head... I smiled, "Of course, i know that..."  The inner voice then whispered... "Go to Drumbeg..."

Go to Drumbeg?... huh?... that didn't make sense... Drumbeg Park is at the other end of the island... I didn't trust the last message... what i thought i had heard... 

​I sat for bit longer with the tree... feeling kind of bothered and disappointed though, enjoyed the birds flying about... As i mentioned, i usually don't "get" messages like other intuitive folk seem so easily - i'm often intrigued and impressed by their adeptness in this world... if i'm lucky, and if i'm listening, a teaching or message often comes much later... usually in an unexpected or round about way... (what else is new?)...

Discouraged, i stood up to leave... i gave up... thinking i should just go home to get some work done... making my way up the same route i had come down... got in the car and drove to Drumbeg instead... Why not?  It's a beautiful sunny day... I can work later... i should treasure these last warm days of summer...

"I didn't hold you when you were born...
cuz I knew you were going to be adopted so soon...
I didn't name you either... couldn't do it... it was just too hard..."
--Marlene, my birth mother...
​

I love the beautiful scenic drive to Drumbeg Park... 15 minutes later, i arrived at the other end of the park...  with wooden flute in hand, made my way down a narrow path navigating over a number of large washed up logs and entered the beach.  I looked around noticing there were some tourists off to my left... so... gazed over to my right and was thrilled to see one amazing rock wall - of which i hadn't noticed at that side before!

I was drawn to head over to the rock wall to check it out.... Getting closer i noticed one very intriguing large boulder rock - that had been eroded from the inside out over time by the sea and frost... We have many large sandstone and rock like this all over the island - many of which you can crawl or sit within... One of our island's most famous is the Malaspina Galleries at the north end of the island off Taylor Bay Road.

I carefully edged my way around this huge rock and noticed from it's back, it held quite an interesting, almost Mayan-like profile of a face... 

I explored rock to rock along the wall face investigating the natural niches along the stone face... then turned around and inched my way back towards the big rock...

I was invited to climb up and get inside this intriguing rock being... i tucked my flute into my pants and scaled my way up and in and sat down on the dusty floor inside... all around me were quite a few eroded holes right though the wall of the rock where i could see through.  I got myself settled in the cocoon space and pulled out my flute... i attempted to blow for a bit enjoying the cool acoustics within... Not long after, i gave up, put my flute down and just sat in silence... perhaps i may receive a message in this old ancient stone?...

I could hear the ocean waves crashing on the beach not far away as well as the rush of the strong rip tide... Looking out was a very tall cedar tree dancing in the light winds... overhead, a stellar's jay flew in and out it's branches chattering noisily... there were wispy angel clouds sailing that beautiful afternoon....

I sat still for about 40 minutes or so enjoying the smells and the sounds - shot some silent video of the view out... blew flute and to no avail - no sense of any message or 'hit'... why was i here???

i savoured 'being' inside this old stone... there was something soothing... embracing though couldn't seem to settle myself... So sensing good ol' time was going by, i eventually climbed back out and down onto the beach, then headed back to the car after scanning the beach for washed up treasures like, interesting small branches of driftwood and drove home...

I still felt somewhat miffed that i didn't get to see and be with the big Mother Bear Rock back off Canso Road earlier... though did enjoy my time at Drumbeg and i wasn't sure why Mother Bear asked me to go there???  Probably because i needed to let the latter piece go... 

The next day, i suddenly realized that i had indeed been with Mother Bear spirit at Drumbeg all along... I had been sharing my lovely afternoon with my partner there when, it hit me like a ton of bricks... that the big ol' rock i had climbed into and sat within in so long... i had been held in the arms of Mother Bear!!!

Mother Bear had held me................. and, i wept...

Then, two old memories surfaced out of nowhere... I remembered two times when i was quite young, incidents where i had been 'held' against my will...

I remember when i was about 3/4... my (adopted) mom attempted to force feed me a boiled egg... i didn't want to eat the damn egg - though she really wanted me to eat that egg, and, wouldn't let me go until i did... I fought and fought her trying to get away from her... though i couldn't cuz she held me so tight against her... i screamed and yelled as she pushed and shoved the egg into my tight-lipped mouth... Crumbled egg was everywhere.........eventually she did let me go...

I still dislike eggs to this day.

The other incident was when i was little older, though still very young about 5...

One afternoon at home my (adopted) dad had his friend + accountant for the Farm business over.  This man i won't name, had come to bring my dad's completed income tax back and they had sat down in the living room for a drink of whiskey.  I don't know where my mother was at the time though i remember hanging around like a kid would. 

At one point, the man grabbed me and put me on his knee... I told him i didn't want to sit on his knee though, he just laughed bouncing me up and down on his knee.  I told him again that i wanted to get down because i had to go to the bathroom... Both my dad and he seemed to find this very funny... with a drink in one hand and with his other arm, held me tight against his chest continually bouncing me up and down... up and down... i started to cry... pleading with him to let me down as i really had to go... he wasn't listening and....

i peed all over his lap................................

Laughing, he released me to the floor and i ran away feeling so shamed and embarrassed... I don't even remember what happened after that - though i wondered where my mother was during the whole ordeal?  And, to this day i wonder why my dad allowed his friend to go on as long as he did... Why didn't he look out for me?.... and ask his friend to let me go?  I'll guess i'll never know why?

Being held against my will... not feeling safe while being 'held'... 
I was never held by my birth Mother.........................

Interesting...............

Though, Mother Bear Rock... an old cold, stone, rock 'held me' within Her warm safe embrace... and, thinking back to my beautiful guided afternoon.... i did feel very safe... safe with the Mother... my blessed earth Mother...

Thank you Mother Bear... thank you...  i know you continue to hold me...

and, I am glad i can go back to visit Her anytime from anywhere... and will...
and, perhaps she'll have a message for me... later........................ x (((o)))

by carol weaver, copyright by weaver © 2019

Mother Bear stone rock photos by weaver © copyright 2017/2019...

Added March 22, 2020... 
​It was She who called me to come back today...... x (((⭕️))) come be held... ❣️

(((o)))
“All the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother.  This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother.  Each of us spent five months in our grandmother's womb, and she in turn formed within the womb of her grandmother.  We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother's blood before she herself is born, and this pulse is the thread of blood that runs all the way back through the grandmothers to the first Mother.”
—Layne Redmond​

"Are you ready Carol?..."  Debbie asked excitedly...

My half-sister and i were on an arranged phone call together... Debbie was the oldest of four half-sisters i had just met weeks earlier - on the phone... 

Months earlier, the BC Adoption Reunion Registry (ARR) had finally changed from being a passive registry to an active registry in 1991.  When that status changed, all BC adoption records with the passive registry had been transferred to Family Services of BC - where they contacted those of us who were registered with the ARR, announcing we could now request an 'active search' for birth parents/relatives.  Before the change, both parties would have had to have been registered in the passive registry to create a match/reunion.

I had registered with the passive registry many years earlier... and, on my birthday every year, ran a classified ad in the Vancouver Sun "People Finders" section - hoping my birth mother may see the ad... Though, nothing ever came of that annual ad...

I applied immediately for an active search... and a Family Services Researcher was assigned to my case to conduct a search for my birth mother...  I was quite excited at the thought of perhaps, one day, they may find her...

As soon as i had been told i was adopted, i had often wondered who she was, what had happened...why i had been adopted...so many questions...would i look like her?  I had grown up in my adoptive family - tho never felt like i truly belonged in some weird way... i called myself the "pink sheep"... I felt like a stranger in a strange land... i knew nothing about my birth ancestry, my family name or where i came from?...  Who the heck was i?...

My older brother was six years older, the only biological child... I often called him, "the real one" in the family and still do... and my younger sister, adopted as i was - though, from a different family/area of BC... i didn't look like anyone in my adoptive family - neither did my sister...  I recall a moment at elementary school on the playground swings, when a friend blatantly announced that i looked so much like my mother... I couldn't believe my ears and told her that i was adopted and how was that even possible?... She just shrugged her shoulders.  I knew i didn't look like my adoptive mother...father or anyone!

I waited many months before i heard anything from Family Services... until one day...

I was attending a women's business conference and towards the end of the long day, my partner said she wanted to see one more booth... I was tired, not interested in seeing any more displays and said I'd wait for her before we left...  I was standing next to a booth in the middle of the bustling hall, when i felt an abrupt dizziness, catching myself from falling over.  It was a strange, swirling feeling like i was going off somewhere... then it stopped - i came back... i didn't think much of it other than perhaps i was just tired...

Later, i went back to the studio to finish up some work before dinner when the phone rang...

It was a call from Anne, who was my researcher from Family Services...  She was happy to announce that she had found my birth mother earlier that afternoon... hmmnnnn...i wondered to myself later... when Anne received the call back from my birth mother earlier that day... could it have been around the same time i felt so dizzy earlier that afternoon?  I wonder... 

Anne mentioned it had taken a long time to find my mother because she had married (a year after she gave birth to me) and had changed her name... Anne then asked me if i was sitting down....

I said, "yes"... when she  went on to announce that i also had four half-sisters! 

I was shocked... It's funny... all the years i had been searching for my birth mother thinking, that maybe, one day i might find her... never ever did i think or realize that she might have had a whole family of her own - a life...  Really?... Wow!  After further chat with Anne, she added, that one of my half-sisters had attempted to find me for a number of years and would i like to exchange phone numbers to connect...would that be okay... I said, "Sure"... 

Not long after getting off the phone with Anne, i received a call from Debbie, my half sister, who was the oldest... One of the first things she told me was how relieved she was to know that she wasn't the oldest anymore - i was!

I wasn't sure what to make of that...?

That evening i talked with all my half-sisters... I remember it being such a fun time "catching up" and sharing stories... especially with Debbie - who was 'over the moon' that we had finally connected... She could hardly contain herself!   She told me that her mom had once told her... it slipped out after a party, that she had an older sister... and that her mother had forced her to give me up because she was unwed.  My birth mother swore from that day forward she would never give another child up... and she never did.  A year later after i was adopted, she met a fellow, got married and raised a family with four daughters...

After the calls that evening, Debbie suggested that a first, slow step to a possible reunion would be to exchange letters and photos with each other and our shared mother... of which we all did... 

The next step we decided, was to arrange "to meet" on a phone call with Marlene... and so, a date and time was set a couple of weeks later... 

The day came to meet on the call... i was so nervous... What am i doing?... What should, will i say?... What will we talk about? What is there to talk about?  i wanted to forget the whole thing...yikes.......

At the arranged time, the phone rang on the minute... I let the phone ring a couple of times, sucked in a deep breath and hesitantly picked up the phone...

I was relieved it was Debbie on the other end... She told me she was at her mom's place, with her mom beside her and mentioned she was just as nervous as i was... With excitement in her voice Debbie then asked, "Are you ready Carol?".... I said, hesitantly, "oh...kay..."

I could hear Debbie talking in the background asking her mom if she was ready..............

I could hear my mother laughing in the background as Debbie was handing her the receiver...

As  "mom" fumbled with the phone, she was still laughing, right from her belly... the first thing she said before she even said hello was, to laugh........

In that moment, i pulled the phone an arm's length from my ear............. it's hard to describe because i felt something i had not ever felt before or knew?... 

I was remembering my own mother's laugh...............whoa...

I knew right then and there, in and throughout my whole beingness.... that i had heard my mother's laugh before...i KNEW that laugh... i'll never forget that powerful visceral vibrational feeling = a total body re-membrance!  In that moment, i knew i was talking to my birth mother and, i also knew during that "conference dizziness" i had felt her on such a deep vibrational level...

And, i can't even remember what we talked about during that call... 

It's interesting... all the years i have taught drumming and drum birthing, i have had many folk share with me that they don't know how to drum...or even think they can ever learn how to drum... I smile reply back... 

"What do you think is the first sound or vibration you have ever heard or felt?"... "It is the sound vibration, the pulse of your Mother's blood... the sound of her heartbeat when you were in her womb for nine months - that is a sound vibration you know so deeply, felt and heard first...  of course you know how to drum... her heartbeat pulse is vibrating in your bones!"

I now know my Mother.. her vibration and resonance is in my bones!

sooo, do stay tuned if you wish... more to come...
with brightest blessings, 
weaver x (((o)))

Out walking in the forest, i often get the sense i'm not alone... and often, i catch snippets of connection from the spirits who reside there... and sometimes they have a message for me... if i'm open to listening + hearing...  i know they have much to share with us... the shy ones they are.... x
​
"sometimes “they” have a cautious peek at us.........
from a safe distance cuz “they” lost our trust long ago.......
i’m sure they wonder if we’re ever going to wake up + get it...
or re-member who we were once were...
as folk who lived in balance with all...
who walked together on our dear mother’s back.......
in respect + honour of all living things...
​seen + unseen......"
​
-- The Sidhe, weaver x (((💚))) 
​© July 19, 2019...🧚🏼‍♀️❣️