Lately... i've been too busy again...  and so what else is new eh?...

Last Saturday i was attempting to sleep in a tad... to get caught up on some much-needed rest... and while i was lying about in and out of consciousness with the sheets pulled up over my head... i became aware that i could hear the cry of a bird outside... and it seemed to sound like the cry of flicker... (a woodpecker)...

This was no simple cry... or call... and as i lay there listening... the flicker kept calling and crying over and over and over... after listening to this for about 10 minutes or so... i finally dragged myself out of bed to go have a look to see what was going on...

When i got to the window and looked out... there he or she was... about 20 feet away in the yard, perched precariously on the top of a fir tree... still wailing away... it seemed he or she was yakking at me for some reason... i looked around to see if it was upset for some other reason... but there seemed to be no reason... the flicker just kept on crying and crying...

I love flickers and have a fond connection to them.... when i'm out walking in the forest... i love it when i sometimes hear the flickers or woodpeckers peck on an old, broken dead tree... it fascinates me how their fast drumming can radiate and echo for a long time... In the medicine/spiritual way as a totem... one aspect of the flicker is known to be "the drummer"... so, i can certainly relate to the flicker because i'm a drummer too... sometimes it seems that flickers will show up in my life to tell or show me something... usually when i least expect it...

Like one time a couple of years ago... when i was honoured to become the caretaker of a very special drum... a 27 inch Kilaut frame drum that was built for me by a master drum-builder from the eastern United States.... for some reason i'm not sure why i became very called to this particular drum... when i was first becoming acquainted with this drum, i was dealing with many feelings about feeling worthy to be a carrier of this drum... maybe i was also feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for this drum... as this special drum held much power and healing in some way... that was for sure... i can't tell you how i felt when that drum first "played" me...

Well... one day as i was going for a walk with my dog and my partner during that time... i was expressing some of those feelings to her... and as i had just finished expressing my thoughts of unworthiness and doubt... we suddenly heard a loud screech response high above us... as we turned back to look where this scream had come.... there, sitting on the tip of the tallest tree in the parking lot was a flicker... confidently swaying back and forth... staring at us... i swear almost laughing at me.... my partner said to me with a smirk... "well, carol don't you think that's your answer?"...

So... what was the message this time...? i'm not sure... as i went out on the porch to get a better look... i sat down on the chair to witness this event with even more curiousity... the flicker took flight and started to fly towards me in a wide circle and made it's way back to the same tree... it perched again and then did this flying dance a couple times more... and while he/she was flying, made this interesting warbling sound... when she/he got back to the tree and landed... continued to cry and call as usual...

I also noticed that off to the right, a little further away... were two more flickers... silently perched near each other on the tops of trees as well... like they were holding space or being a witness to the one crying and continuing to call... eventually, the flicker finally stopped crying and suddenly flew away... in the silence, i continued to sit in the chair and wonder... and also felt honoured by my being witness to a wonder of nature... was this event just a coincidence or really meant for me?

I'm still not really sure... maybe it was yet another message or an affirmation for me to know that i truly am worthy... that i am a human being on this vast earth with worth... like all human beings... maybe it was a reflection of how i've been feeling these past few months... a reflection of my own crying inside of all that i've lost and grieved... maybe i just didn't get the message at all...? Maybe it'll come to me another time? Maybe never....

or... maybe it was a message for me just get my butt out of bed and get on with it...

maybe?

weaver x (((o)))

​I was sent home with mesa homework yet again from the 7th fire (animistic energy training) a number of months ago… and, an interesting practice of feeding a swirling wild feminine energy that was put into my mesa called a 
huaca....

My life this past year has been like a huaca, a 'pachacuti' - a turning over.... and has been literally turned upside down…  My relationship of almost eight years rapidly dissolved right before my eyes… it went in a direction that i couldn't seem to steer in any way… During most of those years, i’ve tried my best to do what some might call, “make the best of it” and be the best person i can be…

I strive to grow as any human can… with courage to honour my self and my spiritual path and my calling… questing for answers that continually nag at me… and, can’t ignore the stirrings that rise within me… i have to listen to my gut… and somehow honour and find my own true way… how can i not listen to my inner being and be who i truly am?

Many times i questioned why is it, that it had to be sooo hard to share that with someone who is not on the same path?…  i never understood why i was continually judged for being on my own path?  I often felt like i was the one giving support in many ways… I gave up long ago offering invitations to this person dear to me, to share a path that has helped me so much in my growth... and now, to have come to a place of realization that i must honour this person's own path…  I have to admit that i sometimes get jealous that other partnerships can share a similar path together… but i guess that this is not to happen for me, and i do my best to honour and allow that…

And… so… i continue to respect and practice my spiritual (shamanic) path as best as i can… and i exercise my daily homework… this one day, i open my mesa, the mirror of my becoming of my healed state… and oh, how i yearn for that healed state… especially now… during this emotional roller-coaster pacha of time… and so… through my beloved and caring stones (khuyas),  i consciously feed and care for them within the swirling hurricane that is presently going on in my life…

This is not an easy path of late… it seems no matter what i say or do… i'm not heard or seen in the way i have truly intended… when i feel i have intended in a most loving way that i can… I question often where all the rage and disdain hurling towards me comes from?... What the heck happened to the communication - where and how did it all break down?... it can be crazy-making to say the least… I keep ducking the relentless sticks and stones and continual verbal and energetic abuse...

As i sit in mindful contemplation with my altar of beloved… i am unexpectedly and immediately journeyed way back to a time of my childhood… to an age when i was about 11 or 12… i’m smack-back at summer camp on Vancouver Island at good ol' Camp Moorecroft… a wonderous place full of fond, fond memories… a place that offered me respite from the shouting-times of my childhood... it’s evening and everyone is at campfire time inside the big meeting hall… the fire is roaring in the stone fireplace and there is a girl, a little younger than me, sitting hesitantly on the edge of the front stage with her head down, looking at the floor…

This particular campfire night, small groups and individuals are sharing skits, stories and songs with the whole group… i have already shared my contribution… and there sits this little girl on the stage… in great fear… she wants to share but keeps fleeing the stage because of being so shy and afraid… the whole group keeps cheering her back to the stage as she repeatedly attempts to go back to her seat, giving up…

After numerous times of her back and forth dance… i am compelled to go up and and just sit beside her to lend some support to offer her sharing… and as i sit there beside her and the room goes quiet... she finally musters up the courage to share and after, everyone is on their feet cheering and applauding her… she is so thrilled and oh, so proud…

The next day… the camp nurse came up to me to say that what i did to support that girl was one of the most loving things she had ever seen a kid do and then thanked and congratulated me for it…

I'm now transported right back to the present moment with my mesa and the 13 churning loving khuyas embracing me with their light as they always do… and an overwhelming realization comes over me as to maybe why... one reason (of many), that being part of and in this relationship for so many years… was maybe... perhaps... that i was to lovingly “hold space” for her, someone else yet once again... to support them and hold space... to allow them to find their way to what they love and do… and she did get to do what she loves for her own path... big-time!... and... i am honoured to have been a part of supporting her path...

And so... an irony... a life-time dream project for my partner finally did come to a completion for her... it was created and manifested... and arrived to where we were living, a finished product the very same day that we, as a couple separated and parted ways.......... wow.....

​I give many thanks and appreciation for my dear mesa—my blessed altar that shows and teaches me about my becoming.... to spirit... for the teachings and learnings received...

brightest blessings....weaver (((o)))

poem...

tonight i like the rain...

tonight i like the rain…
and usually
i don’t
mostly because
sometimes it can pour and pour and pour
here

but tonight i like the rain...
maybe because i like the sound
she makes as the heavy drops fall
with assured intent
now

tonight i like the rain…
because she seems to know
that our earth is crying i guess…
i think our earth is just plain tired
with all of us
not caring

but tonight i thank the rain...
as she incessantly washes all the uncaring away
once again
giving us another chance
to care
like we used to

tonight i like the rain...

-- weaver © 2005

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave (Christaya) Mantra... played and chanted by weaver...