​I’ve had another recent memory of my childhood—this time from grade one.

In our little two-room school-house i remember that i had to sit in the front room for grade because i was one of the few, if not the only one who wore glasses.  It seemed the teachers always made those of use who wore glasses, to sit at the front.
​
This particular day, we all were colouring and Mrs. D., our teacher, was standing at the front of the class reading from a storybook.  As she was reading, i was taken by and distracted by my classmate Billy who also colouring (he sat next to me at the front too)…

i thought what he was colouring, was beautiful.  And, so i simply leaned over to tell him saying something like, “that’s really pretty Billy—i like it’.

Right at the moment i had said that… Mrs. D., clouted me right over the head with the hardcover book she was reading from, shouting, 

“Don’t interrupt me when i’m reading to the class!’
“Ouch—that hurt”, i said to myself…

​I sometimes wonder if that’s perhaps why i deal with chronic neck + back pain to this day?

​I had a memory pop up recently—and that remembering can also be triggered from seeing someone wearing very thick ‘coke bottle’ lensed eye glasses. 

My recollection is from my early elementary school days, where i was probably in grade 5 or 6… The principal in that school was named Mr. P_____, who was a very tall well-dressed middle-aged white man with dark hair.  Mr. P_____ took his job as school principal very seriously.  I don’t remember seeing him smile much.  His dark-coloured rimmed glasses were definitely a part of who he was.  He would often tilt his head back and peer over them, as they often slipped  down his nose—probably from the sheer thick-weight of them.

During that time—it was probably around 1970 or so…and, the strap (corporal punishment) was still being used in schools until it was banned in about 1973.  And, Mr. P_____ seemed to like using the strap as a disciplinary action in our little school.  It certainly worked for him.

When some poor sod got into trouble and was sent to the principal’s office, fear would reign—as one would often get a strapping as a result.  I myself came very close to receiving the strap once—though managed to get out of it, some how, i have no idea how…

So, when a student was slated to receive the strap, what Mr. P_____ would do every time, was… He would go to every classroom one by one, open the door (he never knocked), rudely interrupt barging into the room, look over his thick black glasses and state very sternly: “I’m leaving the door open…” 

We soon learned what that meant…
​
He would then move on to the next room and do the same.  When he was done with each room, he would then go back to his office where the student was and, leave his office door open as well.  He would then proceed to strap that poor student.  

The whole school would go into a disturbed hush…

Needless to say, we as a student body were absolutely terrified…where we all ‘felt’ that strap together, ‘as one—while we were forced to listen to the cries streaming down the hall from his office.  

We were always relieved and breathed a big collective breath when it was finally over with.
​
Until, the next time.

​Animism is the belief that all objects, places, and creatures possess a distinct spiritual essence and everything is alive and holds spirit. It is a ancient belief system that is shared by many indigenous cultures around the world. Animism is based on the idea that all things are alive, interconnected, and fundamentally connected to the spiritual realms. 
​
Animism holds that everything in the universe has its own spiritual essence, and all these spiritual essences, from the rocks to rivers to plants and animals, are part of an interconnected web of life.  

I feel we have lost our connection and right relationship to Mother earth, nature and all Her living beings—for we wouldn’t be her without Her… We wouldn’t be here on our Mother without the sacred elements of air, fire, water and earth.  Without the living and breathing trees, we as humans could not breathe… which is a sacred ‘right’ relationship.  Without the sacred waters or fire or the earth Herself… We could not survive for long.  So what is your relationship to the sacred elements, the plants and animals—all of it?  Do you offer your thanks and gratitude for these relationships—your life?

I had the privilege of growing up on a dairy farm out on the Delta/mud flats just south of Vancouver on unceded lands of the Tsawwassen Territory.  I was lucky i was able to roam and hang out on the land by myself, a lot of the time.  I would fly kites, lay on my back watching and dreaming with the clouds and sky beings… i also built campfires, communed with the critters and birds that lived and migrated through—all held within sweet Mount Baker as my backdrop… i know that sweet spirit held my back…she helped keep my feet on the ‘ground’.

Being and growing up on that beautiful flat land and big blue sky taught me to see in so many ways that i assumed that everyone saw the same as i did.  Becoming an adult, i soon realized that not everyone does.  I feel as a child growing up there, helped me to build a strong relationship with everything below, around and above me—that everything held as much value as i and, they (the spirits of the land + sky) and the land taught me that everything is beauty, alive and breathing, just as i am.
​
Animism emphasizes respect for all living things and the interconnectedness of life.  Animism also connects one to the sacred relationship of all things and the power one holds to that relationship or right relationship.  It’s not about ‘power over’, though asking instead, what is one’s relationship to the power or essence-spirit of that relationship or how do you both work together within relationship spiritually?

with brightest blessings,
weaver x (((o)))

This post is to explain, why the ‘big hair’ from a past post titled, ‘my first drum-set is the one i’ll love forever’ >>

Back in 2008, i was accepted into the Vancouver Pride In Art juried art show called “Gender Twist”...  i was thrilled my painting ‘then i smoked a peterson pipe...’ was a part of this wonderful show at Roundhouse Community Arts and Recreation Centre.

It’s a self portrait i painted in acrylics on a 4 x 4 foot gallery canvas...  around the outside of the painting are the words:

​“true story... everybody thot i wuz a boy... so, i got my hair permed thinkin’ that would fix it... but that just made it worse,  so, then i smoked a peterson pipe...”

It’s funny, i wasn’t really sure i’d  be accepted into the show... when i entered my submission, i hadn’t painted the final size painting yet... i initially submitted a small 1x1-inch thumbnail study... 

Well, i was accepted into the show... and then, had to paint the full size painting... i had never painted that large before... though i was up to the challenge... It now hangs in a private collection of two dear friends.  It has certainly become one ‘conversation starter’...

When i was growing up, i was definitely a ‘tomboy’.... and, during most of my youth, i was constantly mistaken for a boy... Being already quite androgynous-looking... super skinny with short-cropped hair, always in jeans or shorts, t-shirt and a hat... and, it seemed the older i got into my teens, more-often i was being called ‘son’ or folk being totally confused to ‘what’ i was... 

When i hit high school... being frustrated that folk were continually confused and now, being teased by my peers, i pleaded with mom to get my hair permed... thinking that, if my hair was curly, people would perhaps stop seeing me as a ‘boy’... 

After much pleading, mom finally succumbed to my wish and i finally got my hair permed.

However, the perm went bad turning into a big complete mass ball of frizz... 

Getting a perm didn’t work at all... it made it worse... my crazy hair made me look even more androgynous!  By this time, i was living and working at a summer job in the interior of Naramata BC...

and, “then i smoked a peterson pipe!”

I really did for a time... a bunch of us did...and no one knew who or what we were... and, that didn’t matter... anymore.

The other day, in a quiet moment... I was imagining... wondering what life may have looked like if I had grown up in a more positive environment?  Would I have more self-confidence?... be more extroverted?... would I feel as much as I do?... or see as deeply as I see? ...does it even matter?...

​Since the mark of the new year... especially during today's full moon/eclipse in cancer, i’ve been spending some good time journeying in... to that place of my own preciousness ... the place of my healed state - the light of who I truly am... it's been an interesting re-hello.........

Since moving here to beautiful Gabriola, I've learned a lot about fire... I like that I tend our hearth-fire... chopping wood, stacking, lighting... We heat our home exclusively with the wood stove... so, during the dark cold months, our fire is always going needing continual tending...

For the last couple of weeks, in the evenings, I've been quite drawn to sit on the floor, right in front of the wood stove... I love opening the door, welcoming the radiant heat blasting my face, all of me... appreciating how the warm goes right inside and through me... I'm really loving fire right now...  I know it's been helping me... 

Looking back... to a place before... little, young and wee... recalling dissonant heavy stuff that i managed to soak up like a soft sponge cuz I trusted... I felt a lot, a whole fecking lot!... took on agreements that weren't mine... didn't even belong to me...

​So i’ve been lovingly giving that heavy energy away... letting go... gifting it to the cleansing sacred fire... mindfully, safely opening up...unwinding my three worlds...

• the place of my will, at my belly of right action...
• the place of my compassionate heart of munay, right loving...
• and the place of my mind.... clear thinking, pure thought...

Choosing to empty it ALL out... that which no longer serves... all I've seen...  all I have heard... all I felt... yanking out a lot of the old threads... feeding them to the sacred flame... where my blessed earth mother welcomes my black compost, which feeds her... she then transforms that darkness back to Sami-light...resonant life... a beautiful relationship of reciprocity... I feed Her as She feeds me...

I pick it all out with my trusty seam-ripper ... cutting + pulling out long strands that have been running on automatic...in the background... like downed, live power-lines, flailing about...

After all that heaviness burns to the ground... I then gather that sweet gift of light transformed, back into my belly, heart and mind... re-informing... filling myself back up with the bright clear light of who I truly am...

hello weaver.........

It feels good to continue to rip out those embedded seams that don’t belong or match my own weave... my dreaming... 

​happy new year with brightest blessings... xo (((o)))

"Mother, Bear...
   invites me...
      into her darkly cave...
         where silence surrounds... the answers She gave..."

 "Interesting..."
is a word you may hear me utter... usually when i can't explain something... or i've experienced something profound through Spirit...  Recently i had a re-visit from Mother Bear... a spirit Bear...

​It seems my life's journey holds quite a magical bent... and, often feel like i don't know what i'm doing half the time... oh, i know that's a self-judgement... though i do "keep on keeping on"... staying on my path as best i can... and when i allow... 'magical stuff' can happen and will show up... usually when i least expect it... 

Recently, i was chatting with a dear friend about my creative process... and, how my own intuitional knowing doesn't always inform at the time i would prefer it... though, my inner knowing, creative sourcing will often kick in much later, sometimes days or weeks later or... my knowing informs in a whole different route than expected.  I would never claim i'm psychic though, know i'm definitely spirit-guided, individually intuitive with much gratitude... i am so blessed with a heck of a lot of unseen help from the Spirit realm... I am one lucky bum...

"living breathing light...
push kawsay holographic...
i know i'm out there..."  --Haiku by weaver...  

The word, "kawsay" (pronounced cow-sai), comes from the beautiful Quechua indigenous language meaning, "living breathing energy... life force, energy that animates the universe: it comes from the collective, from genetics and from spiritual energy... life, everything is energy; of the major organizing principles... energy that permeates all of Creation on various vibrational levels..." 

One potent teaching i received during my years of advanced shamanic training was to practice "pushing the kawsay"... This word reminds me of the Gaelic phrase, "Òran Mór" which means, the 'Great Song' of the Universe... where, everything has a song... it's own frequency and vibration... everything is singing!

Back in high school, an art teacher i had, eventually realized that it was best to remove me completely from the classroom, in order for me to be able to connect with 'my muse' and get some work done... as i tended to be over-disruptive during class... Mrs. Plummer would assign an art project where everyone would begin creating except me... i'd just sit there, staring about, not knowing what to do for the duration of the class, goofing off... It's like, i had to kick the assignment 'out there' to the art-goddess or whatever, and patiently wait for 'it', whatever 'it' was, to return back to me when 'it' was ready... i couldn't force it - believe me, i tried... 

Often, Mrs. Plummer, frustrated with my behaviour, would set me up alone in an empty classroom with art materials and sure enough, i'd eventually create - the 'muse' would finally fall out of me and i create stuff i never even knew i could create = was that me that did that?... I know now that i was perhaps"pushing the kawsay"...  I also visited the Principal's office way too often...

We're presently in the cycle of Lughnasadh  or Lúnasa from the Celtic realm of Scotland + Ireland... also known as Lammas in England... a seasonal one of four fire festivals... marking the time of harvest before the Celtic New Year of Samhain arrives at the end of October... On the wheel of life, we're also in the direction of the West, the time of the 'falling leaves' who teach us how to simply 'let go' with ease and grace... A dear friend recently shared with me that the leaves have "worked for and created much...they give to protect Mother Earth - there is much to learn here..."

Lughnasadh marks the beginning cycle of the noticeable descent of the Sun into the darkness of winter.  From the connection between the Earth (female principle) and the Sun (male principle), the union of the Sky Father (Sun God) with the Earth Mother we celebrated at Bealtaine, emerge the fruits of the first harvest of the year... Lughnasadh is a time of joy and celebration about the first fruits.  It is also a time of tension, because the dark days of winter are coming nearer, and most of the harvest is not brought in and stored away quite yet.

So, during this turning of the wheel is also a place of 'going within'  and introspection as we move more and more into  a cave of darkness, as our dear Mother slowly goes to sleep to deeply rest and regenerate during the cycle of winter... 

Three and a half years ago, before we moved to Gabriola, i had a very strong dream about a huge mother bear that 'sniffed me out'... I wrote about this powerful dream on my blog back in 2016 >>  I know that this dream marked a shift for my partner and i, in finding a new home... where, now we live on beautiful Gabriola Island, a 20-minute ferry ride from Nanaimo,  BC...  We never dreamed of living here before that dream...

​Interesting...

​Living here has been nothing short of magical where, every day we both continue to pinch ourselves... so deeply aware of the amazing blessings we continue to receive... with many new close friends, a nurturing supportive community and holy wow, a stunning beautiful sacred land to live upon the ancient sacred unceded territory of the Snuneymuxw people...

This past week, i was being called (more than once), to go back to a special place, a good walk from our home... to visit a very large stone-being i had unexpectedly met on one of my walks, a couple of years ago.  I seem to connect with big stone beings... they often like to reveal their faces to me... why, i do not know...

I recall being guided  off the main road to a trail i wasn't aware of... There was a sign that read, "public access"... so, i cautiously climbed down the steep, rocky-rooted trail... that led me to a high cliff above the ocean.  What a beautiful place i had stumbled on and i was all by myself and it felt so good to be there!...  I hold a fond memory of sitting in reverent silence for a long time on that sunny-warmed boulder... 

I was moved to explore, hiked around, up and down the dry, wild terrain... the place felt particularly special... inviting... covered in crunchy long grasses, stones, fallen branches, lichen, old gnarly arbutus, garry oak, maples, towering rock walls and honkin' huge boulders... I was drawn to head over to one very grand stone... right at the edge of the cliff... i asked permission to come close and was invited to connect with this big being... 

Again, i sat in still reflection as i gratefully leaned my stiff back into the side of this big loving rock that was probably 30-40 feet long and say,15 or more feet tall at her high point - she was one huge presence!... i made an offering of thanks for the gift of just  'being' in and on this beautiful sacred space, adoring the feeling of being deeply supported... sensed healing vibrations filling my body and weary soul...  I had such a wonder-full time with myself that afternoon filled with much gratitude and appreciation... 

Heading back up the rough trail to go home, i remember being nudged to turn around, being blown away by what my eyes saw, where i had just been, though didn't realize... that i had been communing, connecting with one very large Mother Stone Bear!! 

There she was in all her majesty, revealing herself from her side perspective - she was a megalith and oh, that shining face!  This was one big bear... a Mother Bear.   I stood there forever within utter awe... i couldn't take my eyes off of her... my heart safely opened... I was drawn to take a photograph of her because she was so stunningly beautiful... especially the way the warm sun lit up her sleek kind face... I'm so glad i still have that photo of her...

Interestingly... ... the spirit of the Bear sits in the West on the Great Song-Wheel of Life... representing introspection, reflection, slowing down, rest, respite, death and rebirth... going within during falling leaves time, to enter her embracing dark cave... to hibernate, heal + regenerate... Bear can also represent primal power, sovereignty and right-brain intuition coupled with instinct...  She also connects us to the beauty of art... re-bonding us with the very deepest of our ancestral roots within the belly of the Mother... She helps us to be in touch with the Primal Mother - the Bear Goddess Artio who will defend you fiercely from all uncertainty... 

Ancestral roots?... ... interesting...

The cave of Mother Bear is where She seeks answers while hibernating and dreaming... She then lazily awakens in the Spring, just like all the colours that emerge, awakening the power of the unconscious... Mother Bear asks us to walk the path of inward silence of the West ... to calm our inner chit-chat... the place of rites of passage... a path to the dreamtime... to dream our lives into being... along side with our dear Mother's own dreaming... 

This last week out walking, with full intention of honouring a strong pull to go back ... to visit the Mother Bear Rock once again...  Somehow i knew i needed to go though, wasn't really sure why... Was She calling me?... i don't know...

However, when arriving at the spot i remembered where the trail down to the cliff was, i noticed that there were new "private property" signs up to the right of the "public access" sign entrance... 

I carefully made my way down the rocky dry uneven trail... when i inched sideways further, there was also, a chain-link fence up, blocking the whole way to get down to where i knew Mother Bear was at the cliff's edge. 

I was royally annoyed.  Why was this barrier keeping me from visiting Mother Bear!...  I was sure She was calling me... Maybe not.  What happened to the 'public access' that's no longer public? What?... Whoever had bought the adjacent property next to the 'public access' marker had completely blocked any entry down to cliff's edge anymore... How dare they?

Yearning for another way... i was determined to get to Her and know why i was being so called...  I made my way down along the stupid fence... and, off to the left, discovered a steep climb towards the lower cliff though, noticed there was yet, another 'no trespassing' sign at the bottom...  Stink.  I'm really not going to get there, am i?.... not legally anyways... I began to make my way down though soon was 'told to stop'... I climbed back up, irked.

I kept asking myself, "Why was this being so difficult, being blocked?" ... Had i not been respectful with the Spirits?  Do i need to ask permission? 

I haven't asked permission...

I humbly asked with an old tree that was poking itself out horizontally towards the sun and Salish Sea... i pulled a small stone out of my pocket, mindfully blew some prayer though it, tucking as an offering in the bark of the tree, then sat down in deflated silence... i asked...

Awaiting some kind of reply, i heard a raven vocal-ing above... as shared air swished through her wings as she passed over, landing in a nearby branch... i asked again.

"You can connect with me from here now you know..." I heard in the middle of my head... I smiled, "Of course, i know that..."  The inner voice then whispered... "Go to Drumbeg..."

Go to Drumbeg?... huh?... that didn't make sense... Drumbeg Park is at the other end of the island... I didn't trust the last message... what i thought i had heard... 

​I sat for bit longer with the tree... feeling kind of bothered and disappointed though, enjoyed the birds flying about... As i mentioned, i usually don't "get" messages like other intuitive folk seem so easily - i'm often intrigued and impressed by their adeptness in this world... if i'm lucky, and if i'm listening, a teaching or message often comes much later... usually in an unexpected or round about way... (what else is new?)...

Discouraged, i stood up to leave... i gave up... thinking i should just go home to get some work done... making my way up the same route i had come down... got in the car and drove to Drumbeg instead... Why not?  It's a beautiful sunny day... I can work later... i should treasure these last warm days of summer...

"I didn't hold you when you were born...
cuz I knew you were going to be adopted so soon...
I didn't name you either... couldn't do it... it was just too hard..."
--Marlene, my birth mother...
​

I love the beautiful scenic drive to Drumbeg Park... 15 minutes later, i arrived at the other end of the park...  with wooden flute in hand, made my way down a narrow path navigating over a number of large washed up logs and entered the beach.  I looked around noticing there were some tourists off to my left... so... gazed over to my right and was thrilled to see one amazing rock wall - of which i hadn't noticed at that side before!

I was drawn to head over to the rock wall to check it out.... Getting closer i noticed one very intriguing large boulder rock - that had been eroded from the inside out over time by the sea and frost... We have many large sandstone and rock like this all over the island - many of which you can crawl or sit within... One of our island's most famous is the Malaspina Galleries at the north end of the island off Taylor Bay Road.

I carefully edged my way around this huge rock and noticed from it's back, it held quite an interesting, almost Mayan-like profile of a face... 

I explored rock to rock along the wall face investigating the natural niches along the stone face... then turned around and inched my way back towards the big rock...

I was invited to climb up and get inside this intriguing rock being... i tucked my flute into my pants and scaled my way up and in and sat down on the dusty floor inside... all around me were quite a few eroded holes right though the wall of the rock where i could see through.  I got myself settled in the cocoon space and pulled out my flute... i attempted to blow for a bit enjoying the cool acoustics within... Not long after, i gave up, put my flute down and just sat in silence... perhaps i may receive a message in this old ancient stone?...

I could hear the ocean waves crashing on the beach not far away as well as the rush of the strong rip tide... Looking out was a very tall cedar tree dancing in the light winds... overhead, a stellar's jay flew in and out it's branches chattering noisily... there were wispy angel clouds sailing that beautiful afternoon....

I sat still for about 40 minutes or so enjoying the smells and the sounds - shot some silent video of the view out... blew flute and to no avail - no sense of any message or 'hit'... why was i here???

i savoured 'being' inside this old stone... there was something soothing... embracing though couldn't seem to settle myself... So sensing good ol' time was going by, i eventually climbed back out and down onto the beach, then headed back to the car after scanning the beach for washed up treasures like, interesting small branches of driftwood and drove home...

I still felt somewhat miffed that i didn't get to see and be with the big Mother Bear Rock back off Canso Road earlier... though did enjoy my time at Drumbeg and i wasn't sure why Mother Bear asked me to go there???  Probably because i needed to let the latter piece go... 

The next day, i suddenly realized that i had indeed been with Mother Bear spirit at Drumbeg all along... I had been sharing my lovely afternoon with my partner there when, it hit me like a ton of bricks... that the big ol' rock i had climbed into and sat within in so long... i had been held in the arms of Mother Bear!!!

Mother Bear had held me................. and, i wept...

Then, two old memories surfaced out of nowhere... I remembered two times when i was quite young, incidents where i had been 'held' against my will...

I remember when i was about 3/4... my (adopted) mom attempted to force feed me a boiled egg... i didn't want to eat the damn egg - though she really wanted me to eat that egg, and, wouldn't let me go until i did... I fought and fought her trying to get away from her... though i couldn't cuz she held me so tight against her... i screamed and yelled as she pushed and shoved the egg into my tight-lipped mouth... Crumbled egg was everywhere.........eventually she did let me go...

I still dislike eggs to this day.

The other incident was when i was little older, though still very young about 5...

One afternoon at home my (adopted) dad had his friend + accountant for the Farm business over.  This man i won't name, had come to bring my dad's completed income tax back and they had sat down in the living room for a drink of whiskey.  I don't know where my mother was at the time though i remember hanging around like a kid would. 

At one point, the man grabbed me and put me on his knee... I told him i didn't want to sit on his knee though, he just laughed bouncing me up and down on his knee.  I told him again that i wanted to get down because i had to go to the bathroom... Both my dad and he seemed to find this very funny... with a drink in one hand and with his other arm, held me tight against his chest continually bouncing me up and down... up and down... i started to cry... pleading with him to let me down as i really had to go... he wasn't listening and....

i peed all over his lap................................

Laughing, he released me to the floor and i ran away feeling so shamed and embarrassed... I don't even remember what happened after that - though i wondered where my mother was during the whole ordeal?  And, to this day i wonder why my dad allowed his friend to go on as long as he did... Why didn't he look out for me?.... and ask his friend to let me go?  I'll guess i'll never know why?

Being held against my will... not feeling safe while being 'held'... 
I was never held by my birth Mother.........................

Interesting...............

Though, Mother Bear Rock... an old cold, stone, rock 'held me' within Her warm safe embrace... and, thinking back to my beautiful guided afternoon.... i did feel very safe... safe with the Mother... my blessed earth Mother...

Thank you Mother Bear... thank you...  i know you continue to hold me...

and, I am glad i can go back to visit Her anytime from anywhere... and will...
and, perhaps she'll have a message for me... later........................ x (((o)))

by carol weaver, copyright by weaver © 2019

Mother Bear stone rock photos by weaver © copyright 2017/2019...

Added March 22, 2020... 
​It was She who called me to come back today...... x (((⭕️))) come be held... ❣️

(((o)))
“All the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother.  This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother.  Each of us spent five months in our grandmother's womb, and she in turn formed within the womb of her grandmother.  We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother's blood before she herself is born, and this pulse is the thread of blood that runs all the way back through the grandmothers to the first Mother.”
—Layne Redmond​

"Are you ready Carol?..."  Debbie asked excitedly...

My half-sister and i were on an arranged phone call together... Debbie was the oldest of four half-sisters i had just met weeks earlier - on the phone... 

Months earlier, the BC Adoption Reunion Registry (ARR) had finally changed from being a passive registry to an active registry in 1991.  When that status changed, all BC adoption records with the passive registry had been transferred to Family Services of BC - where they contacted those of us who were registered with the ARR, announcing we could now request an 'active search' for birth parents/relatives.  Before the change, both parties would have had to have been registered in the passive registry to create a match/reunion.

I had registered with the passive registry many years earlier... and, on my birthday every year, ran a classified ad in the Vancouver Sun "People Finders" section - hoping my birth mother may see the ad... Though, nothing ever came of that annual ad...

I applied immediately for an active search... and a Family Services Researcher was assigned to my case to conduct a search for my birth mother...  I was quite excited at the thought of perhaps, one day, they may find her...

As soon as i had been told i was adopted, i had often wondered who she was, what had happened...why i had been adopted...so many questions...would i look like her?  I had grown up in my adoptive family - tho never felt like i truly belonged in some weird way... i called myself the "pink sheep"... I felt like a stranger in a strange land... i knew nothing about my birth ancestry, my family name or where i came from?...  Who the heck was i?...

My older brother was six years older, the only biological child... I often called him, "the real one" in the family and still do... and my younger sister, adopted as i was - though, from a different family/area of BC... i didn't look like anyone in my adoptive family - neither did my sister...  I recall a moment at elementary school on the playground swings, when a friend blatantly announced that i looked so much like my mother... I couldn't believe my ears and told her that i was adopted and how was that even possible?... She just shrugged her shoulders.  I knew i didn't look like my adoptive mother...father or anyone!

I waited many months before i heard anything from Family Services... until one day...

I was attending a women's business conference and towards the end of the long day, my partner said she wanted to see one more booth... I was tired, not interested in seeing any more displays and said I'd wait for her before we left...  I was standing next to a booth in the middle of the bustling hall, when i felt an abrupt dizziness, catching myself from falling over.  It was a strange, swirling feeling like i was going off somewhere... then it stopped - i came back... i didn't think much of it other than perhaps i was just tired...

Later, i went back to the studio to finish up some work before dinner when the phone rang...

It was a call from Anne, who was my researcher from Family Services...  She was happy to announce that she had found my birth mother earlier that afternoon... hmmnnnn...i wondered to myself later... when Anne received the call back from my birth mother earlier that day... could it have been around the same time i felt so dizzy earlier that afternoon?  I wonder... 

Anne mentioned it had taken a long time to find my mother because she had married (a year after she gave birth to me) and had changed her name... Anne then asked me if i was sitting down....

I said, "yes"... when she  went on to announce that i also had four half-sisters! 

I was shocked... It's funny... all the years i had been searching for my birth mother thinking, that maybe, one day i might find her... never ever did i think or realize that she might have had a whole family of her own - a life...  Really?... Wow!  After further chat with Anne, she added, that one of my half-sisters had attempted to find me for a number of years and would i like to exchange phone numbers to connect...would that be okay... I said, "Sure"... 

Not long after getting off the phone with Anne, i received a call from Debbie, my half sister, who was the oldest... One of the first things she told me was how relieved she was to know that she wasn't the oldest anymore - i was!

I wasn't sure what to make of that...?

That evening i talked with all my half-sisters... I remember it being such a fun time "catching up" and sharing stories... especially with Debbie - who was 'over the moon' that we had finally connected... She could hardly contain herself!   She told me that her mom had once told her... it slipped out after a party, that she had an older sister... and that her mother had forced her to give me up because she was unwed.  My birth mother swore from that day forward she would never give another child up... and she never did.  A year later after i was adopted, she met a fellow, got married and raised a family with four daughters...

After the calls that evening, Debbie suggested that a first, slow step to a possible reunion would be to exchange letters and photos with each other and our shared mother... of which we all did... 

The next step we decided, was to arrange "to meet" on a phone call with Marlene... and so, a date and time was set a couple of weeks later... 

The day came to meet on the call... i was so nervous... What am i doing?... What should, will i say?... What will we talk about? What is there to talk about?  i wanted to forget the whole thing...yikes.......

At the arranged time, the phone rang on the minute... I let the phone ring a couple of times, sucked in a deep breath and hesitantly picked up the phone...

I was relieved it was Debbie on the other end... She told me she was at her mom's place, with her mom beside her and mentioned she was just as nervous as i was... With excitement in her voice Debbie then asked, "Are you ready Carol?".... I said, hesitantly, "oh...kay..."

I could hear Debbie talking in the background asking her mom if she was ready..............

I could hear my mother laughing in the background as Debbie was handing her the receiver...

As  "mom" fumbled with the phone, she was still laughing, right from her belly... the first thing she said before she even said hello was, to laugh........

In that moment, i pulled the phone an arm's length from my ear............. it's hard to describe because i felt something i had not ever felt before or knew?... 

I was remembering my own mother's laugh...............whoa...

I knew right then and there, in and throughout my whole beingness.... that i had heard my mother's laugh before...i KNEW that laugh... i'll never forget that powerful visceral vibrational feeling = a total body re-membrance!  In that moment, i knew i was talking to my birth mother and, i also knew during that "conference dizziness" i had felt her on such a deep vibrational level...

And, i can't even remember what we talked about during that call... 

It's interesting... all the years i have taught drumming and drum birthing, i have had many folk share with me that they don't know how to drum...or even think they can ever learn how to drum... I smile reply back... 

"What do you think is the first sound or vibration you have ever heard or felt?"... "It is the sound vibration, the pulse of your Mother's blood... the sound of her heartbeat when you were in her womb for nine months - that is a sound vibration you know so deeply, felt and heard first...  of course you know how to drum... her heartbeat pulse is vibrating in your bones!"

I now know my Mother.. her vibration and resonance is in my bones!

sooo, do stay tuned if you wish... more to come...
with brightest blessings, 
weaver x (((o)))

I love that the above quote by Alice Walker showed up when it did the other day = there are never any accidents eh?

This last week i was blessed to hang with a dear friend...  We had some good time to connect and catch up with one another's work, our art and spirit path...

It's always good to be with an ally... a sister who shares their authenticity... to truly understand some of the 'same stuff' we deal with as beauty-makers on a daily basis... it helps to know that we're not alone keeping on... keeping on the path as we are continually called...

We talked about 'wounds' and particularly... how our core wounds, can continue to inform our lives... and, how they can run silently in the background like some insidious screwed up program... broken and sickly... barely going though still operating...  I sometimes call it the 'default' that kicks in or triggers you when you least expect it... playing with + hampering our self-worth...

And....... it's interesting how stuff can align too... It's like when we bring awareness to something, deeper awareness and healing comes right in the moment... After our lovely time together that afternoon with new awareness shared between friends... back home,  while i was mindlessly scrolling through my photos, i stumbled on an old portrait of me someone had sketched in pencil.... and, there it was... that old sketch - not very big... very simple, looking back at my soul...

I was drawn to journey within this drawing which took me back to the time in my life when it was drawn - in my early 20s...  A time when i was searching for meaning in my own life... of autonomy and independence... finally getting out on my own to find my own way.  Though at the same time, i was a walking zombie of confuzzed wounded-ness - not knowing who the heck i was...

I journeyed back even further to re-visit some of those places ... woundings in this life-time and even further back to a past-life awareness that had come up for big healing along my path years previous... I know now that those 'agreements' that i made as a child are not even my own agreements...they're someone else's - who didn't know themselves either... who had been wounded too... who were just living their life the best they knew how... i had forgiven that remnant long ago... 

It made me realize just how much 'all of that' narrative that was mindlessly served up to me within daily, traumas big + small - i sucked up like a sponge, like all children do... and those old stories stayed 'there' deep within my sensitive being... as set-programs continuing to run on default from that moment forward... 

Revisiting this place brought deeper awareness as, i also stumbled on the above quote by the wonderful + wise Alice Walker... where profound healing or how i like to call it... 'another layer of the onion has been peeled away' yet again... i have let a lot of crap go... and the 'story' that goes along with it... that is no longer serving me... it's all gone back to the Mother that she lovingly composting + transforming back into 'sami' light... 

"Healing begins where the wound was made."
--Alice Walker

I give thanks and gratitude to my sister-friend for her wisdom + caring ear the other day and my friend who sketched that lovely portrait of me... and i know why i kept it... and, i so wish i could remember her name - which has left me... (when it comes, i'll certainly give her the credit she is due here)... i love this sketch and how it was rendered = ie., no chair!...

I still remember clearly the afternoon she drew it... and gifted it to me later that day 40 years ago - somehow she was guided... she knew she had captured something healing for me... (her original is to the left) and...

The other 'version' i posted at the top of this page, i had some fun artistically 'reclaiming + retrieving' back yet again another beautiful piece of my soul that has been held within the love + the safety of our Mother's arms all this time.... perhaps a 'new self-portrait of the being of light i truly am.... 

Thank you my dear friends... i love you...
brightest, weaver x (((o)))

Honouring + Remembering "Mrs B" - Evelyn Beharrell
July 3, 1914 - February 26, 2007
~ Died in Nanaimo at the age of 93 ~

Dear Mrs. Beharrell... ...Thank you for YOU Mrs. B !!!
​
Just wanted to let you know how much i appreciated you and to thank you sooo much for being a major influence in my life in all ways - with music and life...

I always loved and so looked forward to being in your bright loving presence whenever you came to visit my mom at our house or at church.  You and my mom were best friends - you both first met when you worked as telephone operators at BC Tel... and, you loved to debate politics with my dad any chance you could get - and same with him!  I think you won those debates in my mind...

You taught me sooo much - how to be a passionate and soul-full musician - to open my mouth wide when i sang and to always enjoy life in the moment... it was always fun to be with you any time and we always laughed a hell of a lot!

You are the most joyful and elegant person i have ever met!  I also loved how passionately and how well you played the piano and the organ...

I will always remember the many songs you cherished and played so beautifully... "How Great Thou Art"... "My Favourite Things"... "Robin In The Rain"... "Swinging On A Star"... and so many more - every time i hear them i always think of you!

I will always remember the day you chose me at church choir (St. Stephen's United Church, East Delta, BC) ...when you handed me a pair of old bongo drums. asking me to play some new calypso hymn with you and choir.  That was the first time i actually played 'real' drums' - i always wondered how you knew i would be able to play them?  That was certainly a pivotal point in my life and i've never stopped drumming on 'real' drums since...
​

You taught me much about life in many ways - i loved how you always saw the good in all people and it didn't matter from what walk of life they came from... you taught me that there is goodness in all life and in all people...

One time with you, i will always treasure...

One day as you and i were driving back from Ladner to my house in East Delta, (i think i was about 10 then), there was a young bearded man with a back pack hitch-hiking by the #10 highway exit to the 99 freeway and when we drove by and, you said to me...

"Gee... i wonder where that beautiful young soul is going - do you think we should pick him up!?"

From what i had learned thus far in my young life... a lot of folk would have quickly judged and saw him as a dirty transient bum or a hippy - But not you.. you never judged people in a negative way - ever!  And, i always admired you for that - you taught me that there was a whole other way to see life... to choose to see the beauty in everything - thank you for that!

In your elder years, i was saddened when you had to move away to the Island because i didn't get to visit with you as much as i would have liked... i was glad that i did get to see you a few times before your passing when you were in Nanaimo - i will always treasure the moment when i shared some music with you during one of those visits... your sight was rapidly leaving you tho' you still "saw" so much - a treasured moment i shall never forget - your face was as bright as the sun!  I appreciated that you thought my voice had 'matured'...

What was ironic, was one of the last times i saw you, i learned you were sharing a wall in the care home you lived in, while in Nanaimo - with celebrated Ojibway artist Norval Morrisseau... one of my most favourite artists ever... You both passed over that same year in 2007.  I had the privilege of meeting Norval a couple times, there, with you at the care home and another time at a health food restaurant (Sweet Cherubim's) on Commercial Drive in Vancouver...

So, my dear dear mentor and friend... i thank you again for all the wonderful times and all the music we shared together and, all you taught me - i will always remember you, i honour you and please know... i really really miss you!!!  I miss our visits, our talks and just being together laughing, and...

I also know deep in my heart that you are sooo very happy to be finally reunited with your beloved Charlie and you both are most likely dancing and singing in the light!

...with much love and light always, carol x (((o)))
​
PS... above photo taken with Mrs. B wearing one of the air-brushed shirts we created when i co-owned and operated Women's Work Screen Print & Design Studio - she loved it and the bright rainbow colours certainly suited her (she thought so too!)...

BEHARRELL _ Evelyn (nee Lowrey) Born July 3, 1914 in Esquimalt, B.C. Evelyn passed away peacefully February 26, 2007. Predeceased by her husband Charles Francis Beharrell in 1965, as well as her brothers Stan and Warren Lowrey.

She is survived by her brother Raymond Lowrey, as well as many nieces, nephews, grandnieces and grand-nephews. Evelyn had a rewarding career as a pianist, accompanist, choir leader and director of music throughout New Westminster and East Delta, as well as working 20 years with the phone company before marrying her beloved Charlie in 1957.
​
She lived many years in Ladner, then Sidney where she spent 18 happy years before moving to Nanaimo with her brother in 2001 to live with her niece and nephew Rosalind and Mike Brethour and their children. Her sense of humour and empathy will be sadly missed by all her family and friends. Many thanks to the staff at Nanaimo Seniors Village for their thoughtfulness and care during her stay. - Private interment of ashes at a later date.

Published in the Vancouver Sun and/or The Province on 3/08/2007.

​I was sent home with mesa homework yet again from the 7th fire (animistic energy training) a number of months ago… and, an interesting practice of feeding a swirling wild feminine energy that was put into my mesa called a 
huaca....

My life this past year has been like a huaca, a 'pachacuti' - a turning over.... and has been literally turned upside down…  My relationship of almost eight years rapidly dissolved right before my eyes… it went in a direction that i couldn't seem to steer in any way… During most of those years, i’ve tried my best to do what some might call, “make the best of it” and be the best person i can be…

I strive to grow as any human can… with courage to honour my self and my spiritual path and my calling… questing for answers that continually nag at me… and, can’t ignore the stirrings that rise within me… i have to listen to my gut… and somehow honour and find my own true way… how can i not listen to my inner being and be who i truly am?

Many times i questioned why is it, that it had to be sooo hard to share that with someone who is not on the same path?…  i never understood why i was continually judged for being on my own path?  I often felt like i was the one giving support in many ways… I gave up long ago offering invitations to this person dear to me, to share a path that has helped me so much in my growth... and now, to have come to a place of realization that i must honour this person's own path…  I have to admit that i sometimes get jealous that other partnerships can share a similar path together… but i guess that this is not to happen for me, and i do my best to honour and allow that…

And… so… i continue to respect and practice my spiritual (shamanic) path as best as i can… and i exercise my daily homework… this one day, i open my mesa, the mirror of my becoming of my healed state… and oh, how i yearn for that healed state… especially now… during this emotional roller-coaster pacha of time… and so… through my beloved and caring stones (khuyas),  i consciously feed and care for them within the swirling hurricane that is presently going on in my life…

This is not an easy path of late… it seems no matter what i say or do… i'm not heard or seen in the way i have truly intended… when i feel i have intended in a most loving way that i can… I question often where all the rage and disdain hurling towards me comes from?... What the heck happened to the communication - where and how did it all break down?... it can be crazy-making to say the least… I keep ducking the relentless sticks and stones and continual verbal and energetic abuse...

As i sit in mindful contemplation with my altar of beloved… i am unexpectedly and immediately journeyed way back to a time of my childhood… to an age when i was about 11 or 12… i’m smack-back at summer camp on Vancouver Island at good ol' Camp Moorecroft… a wonderous place full of fond, fond memories… a place that offered me respite from the shouting-times of my childhood... it’s evening and everyone is at campfire time inside the big meeting hall… the fire is roaring in the stone fireplace and there is a girl, a little younger than me, sitting hesitantly on the edge of the front stage with her head down, looking at the floor…

This particular campfire night, small groups and individuals are sharing skits, stories and songs with the whole group… i have already shared my contribution… and there sits this little girl on the stage… in great fear… she wants to share but keeps fleeing the stage because of being so shy and afraid… the whole group keeps cheering her back to the stage as she repeatedly attempts to go back to her seat, giving up…

After numerous times of her back and forth dance… i am compelled to go up and and just sit beside her to lend some support to offer her sharing… and as i sit there beside her and the room goes quiet... she finally musters up the courage to share and after, everyone is on their feet cheering and applauding her… she is so thrilled and oh, so proud…

The next day… the camp nurse came up to me to say that what i did to support that girl was one of the most loving things she had ever seen a kid do and then thanked and congratulated me for it…

I'm now transported right back to the present moment with my mesa and the 13 churning loving khuyas embracing me with their light as they always do… and an overwhelming realization comes over me as to maybe why... one reason (of many), that being part of and in this relationship for so many years… was maybe... perhaps... that i was to lovingly “hold space” for her, someone else yet once again... to support them and hold space... to allow them to find their way to what they love and do… and she did get to do what she loves for her own path... big-time!... and... i am honoured to have been a part of supporting her path...

And so... an irony... a life-time dream project for my partner finally did come to a completion for her... it was created and manifested... and arrived to where we were living, a finished product the very same day that we, as a couple separated and parted ways.......... wow.....

​I give many thanks and appreciation for my dear mesa—my blessed altar that shows and teaches me about my becoming.... to spirit... for the teachings and learnings received...

brightest blessings....weaver (((o)))