This one day was an interesting one, as i found many emotions popping up—out of nowhere.  I just wanted to scream…scream out loud what was pent up inside me since this pandemic arrived.  I’ve also not wanted to do a dang thing—what is that?  Not usually me… as I simply want to just lie around like a lethargic stretched-out cat.

I chose to get outside and go for a much-needed walk, to clear my head.  Down to our local beach I went, to chill out and ask Spirit for some help.  I asked for a sign of some sort, as i was feeling pretty disconnected…discombobulated.  

There’s definitely an ‘uncertainty’ that this covid-time has brought.  I have found the ‘not knowing’ of many, many things rattles one’s being-ness.    

I’ve lost a lot of work during this covid time—gone.   All of it…

So, off I went and made my way down to the beach.

I sat on the warm sandstone in quiet for a bit and then was prompted to walk out to the water’s edge.  I really appreciated the fresh winds, smells of the beach, and the tide being way out.  I could even hear sky drummers (thunder) playing off in the distance. Opening my arms, I let salted winds blow through me, dropping a heaviness I seemed to have been holding.

As i walked  back from the water’s edge, to my left, a blue heron fell out of the sky, gently gliding down onto the beach, not 15 feet from me.  Oh, sooo beautiful.  I was frozen in awe while the heron fished in a little tide pool, calmly sauntering its way to the ocean’s edge.  I offered gratitude for the beautiful gift of heron—so close. 

All of a sudden, breaking my relation, my moment with the heron, I could hear off in the distance someone yelling loudly. When I turned around, I saw a man standing and holding onto his bicycle, yelling something incessantly and at the top of his lungs. There was no one on the beach except me and the heron.  It was hard to decipher what he was shouting through the sounds of the beach, the wind and the waves.  

The heron and I just stood there.

I could hear that he wanted me to back away from the heron!  I wondered what his problem was. 

My first reaction was to yell right back at him, to express assault in return.  I felt upset about this verbal attack—it rudely violated my sacred moment.

Nonetheless, I chose to ignore him by simply turning around.  The heron seemed unaware of what was happening—as it continued to leisurely saunter, hunting for a next morsel.

Connecting back with the heron, I returned to my feeling of being lifted by this beautiful stately bird. Of being so close to this being who didn’t seem bothered whatsoever.

I turned back to see if the upset man was still on the road; he was now gone.  “What was that all about?” I asked myself… I guess someone just had to vent. 

Turning to make my way back, picking up a few shells here and there along the way, I walked up the beach and onto the road, I made my way back home.

A dear friend driving by pulled over to say hello.  We shared mutual challenges and grief—having aging parents in locked-down care homes and hospitals and how hard it felt, being so far away from them.  Knowing that this crazy pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon, I wondered if I’ll ever get to see my mother (93) again, as she was in hospital on the mainland, having fallen and breaking her hip.  My dad (94) was in dementia care in White Rock.

While we chatted, my eye caught five or six ravens shouting vociferously as they played in the wind together, high above the towering firs.  My friend and I shared much needed tears, gave each other a big, distant hug and each headed back to our homes—I on foot and she in her car.  It felt good to connect with another dear human again.

Turning the corner to my road, I spotted a flicker woodpecker (the drummer) who cried out in the woods beside me. I smiled, thanking my dear ally for the percussive hello.  As  I walked towards our lane, in a neighbour’s yard, a beautiful young doe poked her head up out of the long grass.  We both said hi through our eyes, then she slowly followed me down the gravel road—and my heart was smiling.

I sure did receive a message—gifts of deep connection of the heart, the pulsing of our blessed earth Mother... shapeshifting magic within the void of sweet Spirit...self-reliance, and wisdom evolving to a higher place of consciousness and choice—in the present moment.

I am very blessed to be here now, in this sacred, green place... Thank you sweet Mother, great goddess, Gaia.  Thank you for holding my back... I bow in deep reverence… Thank you… I trust.

much love,
weaver x (((💜)))

photos by carol weaver © copyright 2020

"Mother, Bear...
   invites me...
      into her darkly cave...
         where silence surrounds... the answers She gave..."

"Interesting..."
is a word you may hear me utter.  Usually when i can't explain something or, i've experienced or felt something profound through Spirit.

Recently i had a re-visit from Mother Bear... a Spirit Bear.

​It seems my life's journey holds quite a magical bent.  And, often feel like i don't know what i'm doing half the time—oh, i know that's a self-judgement, though i do "keep on keeping on"... staying on my path as best i can and, when i allow ‘magical stuff' can happen and will show up—usually when i least expect it.

Recently, i was chatting with a dear friend about my creative process and, how my own intuitional knowing doesn't always inform at the time i would prefer it.  Though, i’ve come to learn that my inner knowing + creative sourcing will often kick in much later, sometimes days or weeks later or, my knowing informs in a whole other route than expected.  I would never claim i'm psychic though, (far from it!).  Though, i know i'm definitely spirit-guided, and intuitive, with much gratitude.  I am so blessed with a heck of a lot of unseen help from the Spirit realm.  I’m one lucky bum.

"living breathing light
push kawsay holographic
i know i'm out there"  
—Haiku by weaver  

I adore the word, "kawsay" (pronounced cow-sigh), which comes from the beautiful Quechua Indigenous language meaning, "living breathing energy... life force, energy that animates the universe: it comes from the collective, from genetics and from spiritual energy... life, everything is energy; of the major organizing principles... energy that permeates all of Creation on various vibrational levels..." 

One potent teaching i received during my years of advanced earth-based training was to practice "pushing the kawsay".  This term also brings to mind the Scots Gaelic poetic phrase, "Òran Mór" which means, the 'Great Song' of the Universe... where, everything holds a song... it's own frequency and vibration.  Everything in the universe is singing, even rocks, trees—everything!

It’s interesting to note that sound-healer/musician Kailash Kokopelli believes that all dis-ease and unbalance in the body is ‘out of tune’ where, certain sounds and frequencies, through music/sound can help re-tune the body.  He shares the example; the dis-ease of cancer holds a certain resonance (or song) and if the sound-healer can match that same resonance/song though sound, the cancer or dis-ease can be eradicated… combusted.

Back in high school, I was known to visit the Principal's office way too often.  An art teacher i had, eventually realized that it was best to remove me completely from her classroom, in order for me to be able to connect with 'my muse' and get some actual work done—as i tended to be over-disruptive during class.  

Mrs. Plummer would assign an art project where everyone would begin creating except me.  I'd just sit there, staring about, not knowing what to do for the most of the class, goofing off.  It was like, i had to kick the assignment 'out there' to the art-goddess or whatever, and patiently wait for 'it', whatever 'it' was, to return back to me when 'it' was ready.  I couldn't force it—believe me, i had tried.

Often, Mrs. Plummer, frustrated with me, would set me up in an empty classroom, all alone with art materials and sure enough, i'd eventually create—the 'muse' would finally fall out of me and i create stuff i never even knew i could create = Was that me that did that?  I know now that i was perhaps, "pushing the kawsay".   I also learned that i needed quiet reflective time first, in order to connect with my own inner muse.

We're presently in the cycle of Lughnasadh  or Lúnasa from the Celtic realm of Scotland + Ireland... also known as Lammas in England and other parts of Europe.  A seasonal one-of-four annual fire festivals, marking the time of harvest before the Celtic New Year of Samhain arrives at the end of October.  On the wheel of life, we're also in the direction of the West, the time of the 'falling leaves' who teach us how to simply 'let go' with ease and grace.  A dear friend recently shared with me that the leaves have "worked for and created much...they give to protect Mother Earth—there is much to learn here..."

Lughnasadh marks the beginning cycle of the noticeable descent of the Sun into the darkness of winter.  From the connection between the Earth (female principle) and the Sun (male principle), the union of the Sky Father (Sun God) with the Earth Mother we celebrated at Bealtaine, emerge the fruits of the first harvest of the year.  Lughnasadh is a time of joy and celebration about the first fruits.  It is also a time of tension, because the dark days of winter are coming nearer, and most of the harvest has not been brought in and stored away quite yet.

So, during this turning of the wheel is also a place of 'going within'  and introspection as we move more and more, spiralling into that cave of darkness, as our dear earth Mother slowly goes to sleep, to deeply rest and regenerate during the cycle of Samhain/winter.

​Three and a half years ago, before we moved to Gabriola, i had a very strong, visceral dream about a huge mother bear that 'sniffed me out'.  I wrote about this powerful dream on my blog back in 2016 >> 

I know that this dream marked a shift for my partner and i, in finding a new home, where, now we live on beautiful Gabriola Island, a 20-minute ferry ride from Nanaimo,  BC.  We never dreamed of living here before that dream.

​Interesting...

​Living here has been nothing short of magical where, every day we both continue to pinch ourselves... so deeply aware of the amazing blessings we continue to receive—with many new close friends, a nurturing supportive community and holy wow, a stunning beautiful sacred land to live upon the ancient sacred unceded territory of the Snuneymuxw people of the Coast Salish.

​This past week, i was called (more than once), to go back to a special place, a good walk from our home, to visit a very large stone-being i had unexpectedly met on one of my walks, a couple of years ago. 

I seem to connect with big stone beings, as they often like to reveal their faces to me—why, i do not know?  I’m grateful the the gift.

I recall being guided off the main road to a trail i wasn't aware of.  There, was a sign that read, "public access".  So, cautiously, i climbed down the steep, rocky-rooted trail that led me to a high cliff above the ocean.  What a beautiful place i had stumbled on and what was cool was, i was all by myself and it just felt good!  I hold a fond memory of sitting in reverent silence for a long time on that sun-warmed boulder.  It was like i was being supported in some way.

I was moved to explore, hiked around, up and down the dry, wild terrain.  The place felt particularly special...inviting—covered in crunchy long grasses, stones, fallen branches, lichen, old gnarly arbutus, garry oak, maples, towering rock walls and honkin' huge boulders.  I was drawn to head over to one very grand stone, right at the edge of the cliff.  I asked permission to come close and was invited to connect with this immense being. 

I sat in still-reflection as i gratefully leaned my stiff back into the side of this grand warming rock that was probably 30-40 feet long and say,15 or more feet tall at her high point—one huge presence!   I made an offering of thanks for the blessed gift of just  'being' with this beautiful space of inquiry, adoring the feeling of being deeply backed (no pun intended).  I also sensed healing vibrations filling my body and weary soul.  I had such a wonder-full time with myself that afternoon, appreciating what was around me, which filled me with much rested thankfulness of being guided there.

Heading back up the rough trail to go home, i was nudged to turn around and look down where i had been.  Oh my, i was blown away by what my eyes saw.  I had been communing and connecting with one very large stone, shaped like a bear!

There she was, in all her majesty, revealing herself from profile perspective.  Such a megalith and oh, that shining face!  From every ounce of my being, perceiving that this was one big spirit, a bear.   I stood there for a long time, within utter awe.  I couldn't take my eyes off this being—as my heart safely opened.  I was drawn to take a photograph of her because she was so stunningly beautiful, especially the way the warm sun lit up her sleek kind face.   I'm grateful i still keep that photo of her.

Interestingly, the spirit of Bear sits in the West on the Great Song-Wheel of Life.  Bear represents introspection, reflection, slowing down, rest, respite, death and rebirth and another aspect of the Goddess.  Bear can also show us how to go within during the falling leaves-time, to enter her embracing dark cave, to hibernate, heal + regenerate.  Bear can also represent primal power, sovereignty and right-brain intuition coupled with instinct.  She also connects us to the beauty of art, re-bonding us with the very deepest of our ancestral roots within the belly of the Mother.  She helps us to be in touch with the Primal Mother—the She-Bear Goddess Artio who will defend you fiercely from all uncertainty.

Ancestral roots?... mother?  interesting...

The cave of Mother Bear is where She seeks answers while hibernating and dreaming. She then lazily awakens in the Spring, just like all the colours that emerge, awakening the power of the unconscious.  Mother Bear asks us to walk the path of inward silence of the West, to calm our inner chit-chat, the place of rites of passage... a path to the dreamtime... a place to dream our lives into being... along side with our dear Mother's own dreaming.

One of my favourite poems by Mary Oliver is titled,
Spring…

Somewhere
a black bear
has just risen from sleep
and is staring

down the mountain.
All night
in the brisk and shallow restlessness
of early spring

I think of her,
her four black fists
flicking the gravel,
her tongue

like a red fire
touching the grass,
the cold water.
There is only one question:

how to love this world.
I think of her
rising
like a black and leafy ledge

to sharpen her claws against
the silence
of the trees.
Whatever else

my life is
with its poems
and its music
and its glass cities,

it is also this dazzling darkness
coming
down the mountain,
breathing and tasting;

all day I think of her--
her white teeth,
her wordlessness,
her perfect love.
​
​—Mary Oliver

This last week out walking, with full intention of honouring a strong pull to go back to visit the bear rock once again.  Somehow i knew i needed to go though, wasn't really sure why.  
​Though following my hunch, off i went.

However, upon arriving at the spot i remembered where the trail down to the cliff was, i noticed that there were a number new "private property" signs up to the right of the "public access" sign entrance.

I carefully made my way down the rocky dry uneven trail.  I inched sideways further, where i saw there was also, a chain-link fence up, blocking the whole way to get down to where i knew bear rock was at the cliff's edge. 

I was royally annoyed.  Why was this barrier keeping me from visiting Mother Bear?   I was sure i needed to be here in some way.  Though i wondered, perhaps not.  What happened to the 'public access' that's no longer public?  What?   Whoever had bought the adjacent property next to the 'public access' marker had completely blocked any entry down to cliff's edge anymore.  

​How dare they?

Yearning for another way, i was determined to get to Her and know why i was being so called.  I made my way down along the stupid fence and, off to the left, discovered a steep climb towards the lower cliff though, noticed there was yet, another 'no trespassing' sign at the bottom.  Stink.  “I'm really not going to get there, am i?” i thought to myself—not legally anyways.  I began to make my way down though, soon was told intuitively ‘to stop'.   I clamoured back up the steep trail landing at the top on my butt, irked… frustrated.

I kept asking myself, "Why was this being so difficult?"  Had i not been respectful with the Spirits?  Do i need to ask permission? 

I hadn’t asked permission.

I humbly asked for consent with an old tree that was reaching itself out, horizontal to the sun, over the Salish Sea.  I pulled a small stone out of my pocket, mindfully blew some prayer though, tucking as an offering within a nook of the bark, then sat down in deflated silence.  I asked and, asked again.

Eager for some kind of reply, i heard a raven vocal-ing high above, as shared-air swished through wings, raven passed over, dropping onto a branch, see-sawing.  I sensed being checked out.

I asked again… sensing a stirring of words from my open heart…

"Dear one, you can connect with me from here, now… from anywhere, you know..." the voice whispered.  I smiled, "Of course, i know that." 

​The inner voice again breathed... "Go to Drumbeg..."

​Go to Drumbeg?... what?
That didn’t make any sense!

Drumbeg Park is at the other end of the island.  I didn't trust that last message—what i thought i had heard.

​I chose to sit a bit longer with the tree, feeling kind of bothered and disappointed though, enjoyed the birds flying about, the swirling water and such.  

​As i mentioned, i usually don't get messages like other perceptive folk seem to, so easily.  I'm often intrigued + impressed by their adeptness of their gift or i wonder, perhaps good guessers.  If i'm lucky, and listening, a teaching or message can often come much later, usually in an unexpected or ‘round about way.  I’ve come to accept that this is how i access from inquiry, a gift.

Discouraged, i stood up to leave, thinking i should just go home and, just get some work done.  I had a deer hide soaking in a bin that needed attending to—birth a drum.

Making my way up the same route i had come down, got in the car and intended to drive home.  When i got close to being back, something tugged, and i said to myself, “Ah, forget work,” and kept going, down the road towards Drumbeg.  “Why not?  It's a beautiful sunny day…I can work later…i should treasure these last warm days of summer.”
​

"I didn't hold you when you were born...
‘cause I knew you were going to be adopted so soon...
I didn't name you either... Couldn't do it—it was just too hard..."
—Marlene, my birth mother...
​

I love the stunning drive to Drumbeg Park.  I prefer to take South Road that’s more scenic, by the ocean, while winding through sights of trees—i never tire of it.

​Roughly fifteen minutes later, i arrived at the other end of the park.   With wooden flute in hand, i made my way down a steep + short narrow path carefully navigating over a number of large washed up, bleached white logs, entering the beach.  Surveying my space, i noticed some tourists off to my left,  So, gazing to my far right, i was surprised and thrilled to see there was a massive rock wall that i hadn't noticed there before.

I wanted to check it out…and, as i got closer, i noticed another intriguing large boulder rock that nudged my eye.  One that had been eroded from the inside out over time by the sea and frost.  We have many large sandstone and rock like this all over the island—many of which you can crawl or sit within.  One of our island's most famous, is the Malaspina Galleries at the north end of the island off Taylor Bay Road.  I love drumming in there in the quiet season when the tourists have left.

I carefully edged my way around this huge rock and noticed from it's back, it held quite an interesting, almost Mayan-like profile of a face.
I offered a courteous ‘hello’. 

I continued on towards the stone wall and explored jumping rock to rock along the face, curious with the eroded niches carved along the stone face.  I got as far to where the tide was coming in, then turned, inching my way back towards that big rock.

I walked completely around the stone-being, sensing…curious…attentive… felt invited to climb up inside the cave-like opening, which looked a little bit like the shape of a heart.

Tucking my flute into a back pocket, it took me a bit to get myself scaled up high and into the opening.  Grabbing whatever edges i could, i managed to pull my weight up and inside and sat down on the rough sandy floor.  This stone was so much bigger in size and energy than i thought—and i could feel a shift once inside.   All around me were holes eroded right though the wall of the rock that i could see through.  There was what seemed to be some red ochre on one part of the wall.  

I got myself settled in the roomy cocoon space and pulled out my flute.  I attempted to blow for a bit enjoyed the cool acoustics within.  I soon put my flute down and chose to sit in silence.  Perhaps i may receive a message in this old ancient stone? And, if not, well, we’ll see.

As i sat, at first, with eyes closed, i could hear ocean waves rhythmically rolling over pebbles on the beach, and not far away, the rush of a strong rip tide.  I took a couple deep long breaths.  I liked being there.

Looking out, very near, was a towering old cedar, dancing in the light winds.  Overhead, a stellar's jay flew in and out it's branches chattering noisily, plus, there were wispy angel clouds sailing by in that afternoon azure sky.

I sat for about 40-minutes or so enjoying the smells and the sounds, shot some silent video of the view out, blew more flute and to no avail, got no sense of any message or 'hit', other than knowing the joy of just being, there.

I asked the wind… the trees… the sky… stone… do i have to know?

I savoured being inside this old rock formed of petrified sand.  I felt held by something—maybe hugged?  There was something soothing and embracing about being within.  Though, i couldn't seem to settle myself—something also, felt quite foreign.  

Realizing that good ol' time was going by, i gingerly climbed back out, down onto the rocks onto the beach.  I then headed back to the car after scanning the beach for washed up treasures like, interesting small branches of driftwood, shells and such, then drove home.

I still felt somewhat miffed that i didn't get to see and be with the big Mother Bear Rock back off Canso Road earlier, though did enjoy my time at Drumbeg and i wasn't sure why Mother Bear or whatever had asked me to go there?  Most likely, wondered that perhaps, i needed to let the latter piece go.

​Perhaps.

The next day, upon waking, i suddenly realized that i had been with Mother Bear spirit, at Drumbeg all along.  I had been sharing my lovely afternoon with my partner there when, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That the big ol' rock i had climbed into and sat within in so long—i had been held in the arms of Mother Bear!

Mother Bear had held me...
...and, i wept...




Later, two old memories surfaced out of nowhere.   I recalled two times quite young, incidents where i had been 'held' against my will.

Interesting…

When i was about 3 or 4.  My mom had attempted to force feed me a boiled egg.  I didn't want to eat that damn egg ‘cause i couldn’t stand the smell of it.  Though she really wanted me to eat that egg, and, wouldn't let me go until i did.   I fought and fought, trying to get away, though she held firm.  I felt suffocated.  I screamed and yelled as she pushed and shoved that egg into my tight-lipped mouth.  Crumbled egg was everywhere.  She eventually gave up.  

I still dislike eggs to this day—not my favourite food.

Though, i do know now that she was only desperately trying to get me to eat something of value.  Apparently, i was quite the picky eater as a kid.  I found foods to be either visually gross and/or weird-stinky like pizza or weiners.  Campbell’s chicken noodle soup was definitely my ‘go-to’ back then.

The second remembrance was when i was little older, though still very young, at about aged 5/6, maybe 7.

One afternoon at home my dad’s accountant/friend for the Farm business over for his annual visit.  He had come to bring my dad's completed income tax back for its final sign-off.  Then, they would sit down in the living room for a dram of whiskey—it was their ritual.  I don't recall where my mother or sister was at the time though i was hanging around, curious, like a kid would be.

At one point, the man scooped me up, plunking me on his knee.   I told him that i didn't want to sit on his knee though, ignoring me, laughing, began to bounce me up and down.  I didn’t like being bounced up and down.   I stated to him again that i wanted to get down because i had to go to the bathroom.  Both my dad and he seemed to find this scene very humorous.  Me? Embarrassed + trapped.  With drink clinking in one hand and his other arm, clutching me tight against his chest, continuing to bounce me up and down.  Up and down, up and down.   Helpless, i began to cry, feeling suffocated and helpless, pleading with him to let me down as i really had to go to the bathroom badly… up and down, up and down… and, then…

It happened.  I peed all over his lap.

Laughing though shocked, he released me to the floor and i ran away feeling so shamed and confused.  I don't even remember what happened after that—though i also wondered where my mother was during the whole affair?  I often ponder why my dad even allowed his friend to go on as long as he did.  Why didn't he look out for me and stop him?  Many thoughts have come.

Interesting…

Being held against my will... not feeling safe while being 'held'... 
+ i had never been held by my birth mother...
and, where was my mother?

all very interesting.

Though, Mother Bear Rock, an old, cold, stone, boulder 'held me' within Her warming safe embrace, and, thinking back to my beautifully guided afternoon, i had felt very safe.  Safely held within the Mother.  My blessed earth Mother.

Thank you Mother Bear, Artio, i thank you... i know you continue to hold me + for always.  I  hold much gratitude for your gentle teaching.

I am within great joy that i can visit with Her anytime, from anywhere... especially during this time of falling leaves, Lughnasadh.

and, perhaps she'll have a message for me, most likely, later...
brightest, weaver x (((?)))
​

​“something like a hug
i don’t know, far from such space
was never ever.”
—Haiku by weaver  

… may i continue to learn…

text/images by carol weaver, copyright by weaver © 2019

Mother Bear stone rock photos by weaver + jp wright © copyright 2017/2019...

Added March 22, 2020... 
​It was She who called me to come back to drum within Her…
​x (((o))) come be held... come journey…

I birthed my first drum over 25 years ago with my first teacher in Celtic shamanism.  It sure was an amazing and growing experience.  Back in the early 90s, i was part of a sacred healing circle of about 15 or so women where together, we all birthed the same type and size of shamanic drum - a 16-inch Elk...

At the time, when i was apprenticing, i was asked to help out with that women's drum birthing workshop - being in charge of care-taking the hides... which meant making sure the hides were soaking well overnight in my studio-space bath tub.   The next day, i brought them all back to our workshop space for us to birth our drums in ceremony.

Back then, i was vegetarian and for me, to handle huge soaked Elk hides was a tad un-nerving, to say the least - especially after they had soaked all night, weighed a ruddy ton!!  They also smelled horrible and felt sooo alive!  I learned that when an animal has been chosen or chooses to transition it's life to become a sacred drum - that, during the sacred act of birthing a drum, they are reborn to be in service to our blessed earth mother - to now be her steward as her sacred voice, heart-beat-pulse... learning this helped a lot for me during this time in my life...

When i got back to the workshop space with the wet hides, the teacher asked me to lay them all out on top of a large tarp and told all the women to choose one...  As i was putting them out, each woman quickly chose their own, where, very soon only one hide was left... i didn't get to choose - my drum's voice/hide had been chosen for me!

Learning how to pull a big drum with a very thick Elk hide (as a full-wrap around the hoop) wasn't an easy task - on top of sitting on the floor to do it... Our teacher also didn't really show us how - she basically walked around the room dropping us each an instruction booklet that had come along with the drum supply-kits she had ordered from Cedar Mountain Drums in Oregon... I have to admit, i did find it challenging to birth my first drum having to read the steps line-by-line... I remember sweating a lot that day = definitely a labour of love...

​As we all came to completing our drums, the teacher did come around at that point to help us with the final pulls to make sure the strong thick hide was completely wrapped smoothly around the frame.  I was quite happy to have the help at that point as my hands were so sore and tired...

While the hide was still wet, when i held it up with the light shining through, the shape of a huge bird in flight revealed itself right through the middle on the back side... Though, when my drum was birthed, as she dried and came into being, a new spirit emerged forward in the front ... i saw the amazing old face of an old white grandmother wolf... she was stunningly beautiful and so present... and has been a part of my special drum ever since her birth... One time, years later, a beautiful Metis elder asked to sing a wolf into my drum as she knew that spirit was very present as a part of my sacred drum... i was deeply honoured to be witness as she sang her sacred gift into my drum... grandmother wolf is still very present guiding me...

The whole process of birthing my own shamanic drum was life-changing for me and, i have been deeply blessed to have had the opportunity to share and pass on the gifts that were shared with me - to assist others to birth their own sacred drums and continue to.  My sweet drum has taught me a lot over the last 25+ years and continues to... Through her, our blessed earth mother continues to share deeper teachings to share with others and my students...

What i found amazing back when i birthed that first drum was, how amazingly strong and resilient rawhide lacings are when wet and dry...

Rawhide dries very rock-hard strong... and when i look at a few of my lacings on the back side of my drum, i am still amazed as to how strong yet vulnerable and fragile they are... and so are we... my own 'heart strings' have been good teachers...

These lacings are still holding the voice of my drum very strongly - even after 25+ years! 

This, my first drum i birthed... my beautiful grandmother wolf drum, my dear friend and ally continues to reflect to me my own inner heart strength and the fragility of all life... She teaches me that it's okay to be vulnerable and that i have the power of choice within any given moment to resonate who i truly am as a be-ing of light and love...

I stand within this present moment... to offer my deep appreciation and gratitude for the gift of the sacred, healing drum - and all that she continues to teach me... I also give many thanks to my teacher who shared the gifts she had been given, to me...  thank you grandmother wolf for being a beautiful teacher...
​in deep munay of love + light, weaver x (((o)))

​photo @ right...

An actual photo of heart strings (tendons) inside the human heart...

It is known that the heart strings can sometimes break after a deep emotional trauma causing the heart to lose form and, as a result be unable to pump blood effectively... You can literally die from a broken heart...

Oh, how fragile, yet so strong we all are.......x (((o)))

Sometimes there are no words......... 

Sometimes there are only moments of sweet beauty.........

The other day, I was standing outside my studio, busy sanding a couple of wooden handles for some rattles i was making...

I prefer to do that work outside to keep the dust down inside the studio... It's also nice to be out in the fresh air - take in what's around me in our big side-yard, up in the sky and the trees... listening to bird-song, (whom i'm still getting to know since moving here a year ago)... Including getting off my butt for a bit too... as i sit waaay too much!   Someone told me the other day, that sitting for too long has become the 'new smoking' = yikes......

​Most mornings, of late, we've had a lone, wild turkey (earth eagle) hanging out in our  yard, gobbling away for no apparent reason, it seems - for, who knows what... though, i wonder if perhaps, he's attempting to call his buddies up the hill to join him... he's not been very successful...

​I was quite focused on my sanding for a good 10 minutes or so when, i suddenly felt a presence... that i wasn't alone.......

I looked up from my work and, there she was... holy wow!... a beautiful, deer doe, just inches away, standing there, quietly looking at me... 

At first i was a bit startled as i wondered how long she had been there, looking at me... perhaps, patiently waiting for me to notice her....

I softly said hello to this dear soul as my heart lit up.... She didn't move... her amazing big beautiful eyes drew me right into her sweet be-ingness... tears were streaming down my cheeks as our hearts locked on as one....

We spent quite some time gazing into each other's heart-soul....  I knew i was receiving a huge gift.... it was such a sacred moment.... When our heart-gaze released some...... we continued to connect with each other so close...... we chatted heart to heart for a while longer...   i was moved to ask her permission if i could photograph her - of which she allowed.... she still didn't move....

Not long after, the turkey, who was  still in the yard, unexpectedly let out a gobble... the turkey didn't phase her though.... she simply dropped her gaze from me and began to slowly saunter away... turning back once or twice - offering a couple more moments to connect........

I was so very moved by this deep moment of beauty we had shared... she offered me to really 'feel' such a gift of the heart i haver never quite felt before... i continue to feel very moved by the whole experience... One of the many gifts she gave me in that moment was...... that i know i am never, ever alone......... something was healed within me and my dear heart...

There are really no words to describe this, our beaty-moment together...............

She has since returned to our yard many times... as she is pregnant and about to give birth.... We have seen her lying on the moss down in the yard at dusk and will walk through to say hello.... I am so honoured with much appreciation, to have met my new, sweet friend of the heart... I can't wait to see her with her new babes come through the yard....  

with brightest blessings... weaver x (((o)))

Above, a bit of video i happened to capture when she began to walk back into the yard, after our time together... below a couple more glimpses of our moment together... x (((o)))

​"This stone i place here to mark this Singing Moon-Time of Abundance + Passing Within with the Wisdom of Grandmother Wolf... 

May her sacred teachings help me to become more deeply human..."

It's been an interesting time here on Gabriola these last few days as the month of September rolled in...

The crisp scents of Fall are definitely in the air as we move into this next cycle around the wheel... reminding us to think about getting prepared for the coming winter... The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a cold one this year...  One task we managed so far is, to get a couple of cords of wood delivered, stacked and ready  - quite the job to say the least... an opportunity to use those muscles i haven't used in quite some time = holy whoa!

I give many thanks to those Standing Ones, those trees who gave their lives so our home can be warm this coming winter...

This last week showed me some teaching about letting go - when you least expect it... especially with what i had planned for this recent past New Moon... i had journeying circles planned both for September 1st here on Gabriola and another for Vancouver this week - when i travel over for the Luminous Path which is beginning a new round...

And so what came into being was, both circles were not meant to happen... i won't go into the reasons why, other than to say, that each one had it's own releasings for not happening...  

I have to admit i was surprised that both ended up being cancelled... even after some of my own questionings, resistence and attempts to TRY and make them happen, i came to the realization that it was indeed all okay to let both circles go this time... perhaps good ol' Mercury Retrograde had a hand - who knows?

I also had to get over worrying about disappointing those who had planned to come... 

​When i was preparing for these next circles - Grandmother Wolf offered her guidance....She who teaches us about moving from the West to the North... the Teacher with sharp instinct and intelligence... sacred wisdom, the Sage and Elder... reminding us of our dear Ancestors who paved the way for us... gifting us with stamina... resilience... always reminding us of our own knowingness... 

It was the Cedar trees who spoke to me, asking if we could connect together - especially those here on Gabriola, who have been dying since our summer's long dry drought...  

Some folk we have met, who have lived on Gabriola a long time, mentioned that, over the years, the water table on the island has been shifting in response to climate change... confirming the beautiful cedars are feeling it the most...   in the last number of weeks, we have been saddened to witness that a lot of the cedar trees are dying rapidly all over the island...  The fire department was also announcing that they're concerned they are now becoming a fire hazard.

We give thanks for the recent rains that have come... helping to nourish our dry island home, the blessed trees and all her kin...

The English word, 'Cedar' comes from the Hebrew 'Qatar', meaning to smudge... indicating cedar wood was used in purification rituals and cleansing... The smoke of the cedar leaves are very cleansing and clearing of the energy/luminous body and spaces... First Nation peoples have and continue to use the sacred cedar to purify and cleanse in all aspects of life using all parts of the tree for housing, art, clothing, cleansing and ceremony ... The sacred Cedar was also known in many world cultures as the Tree of Life... the 'God/ess' tree... With blessed cedar, draw Earth energy and ground yourself, place the palms of your hands against the ends of the leaves...

So, if our New Moon journeying circle did happen, i was going to invite us to journey with Grandmother Wolf to the sacred Cedars, to simply connect with them and check-in... and so, because we're not meeting physically.... 

Suggested Journey...
​or, create your own...

This is the time of Passing Within... the cycle of Lammas and the element of water... This is the path of the mature adult who seeks to live responsibly and to bring healing... to find enlightenment to become more deeply human...

I invite you to explore this pathway when you wish to understand how best to act when the 'stuff' of life becomes overwhelming... when you seek peace in all ways......

I invite you to face the sacred directon of the West and... with all your senses embrace the colours, the sounds, smells and taste of Fall... connect with the Sacred Waters of Mother Ocean... her life-blood streams... her rivers and lakes... re-membering that 'water-knows-all-water indeed informs all water...

Find a beautiful place in nature you love or imagine where the grand Cedars reside near where you live... with Grandmother Wolf as your guide... She invites you to listen to the birds singing high in the Cedars... 

With Grandmother beside you, ask her to take you on a journey to the place of the singing Cedars... say hello when you greet them... create a sacred space in a circle including the Standing Ones and yourself...

Offer the Tall Ones an offering of gratitude for who they are and the gifts they freely give us.... for we wouldn't be here without the trees... as we breathe them and they breathe us... thank them for sheltering us... for warming us... for cleansing us... and feeding us in many ways......

Sit down with your back to one Old Tall One and connect deeper... again, use all your senses when you merge with her or him... feel the rough bark on your skin.. smell the musty damp moss in your nose... look up and embrace how s/he embraces you.... and listen deeply for a message s/he may share with you....................... take some time with this............................

 When you feel you have received your message or sense of one... hold the essence of that message-gift sweetly cupped in both hands in front of your heart center... gently blow with the spirit of your breath into your hands three times.... feel it... know it... receive it.... and then mindfully place that essence into your heart... giving thanks....

Now, offer your gratitude and healing for those Cedars who are passing within.... You're invited to hold a vision of their healed state as if it has already happened within this present moment... while holding this vision-dreaming, use all your senses of what that would feel and look like - drive it with your strong emotion resonance and vibration... know this is happening right now... dream it into being....... hold it strong for as long as you are guided....

When your journey feels complete... return back to where you began.... again, give gratitude for this blessed opportunity... close your sacred space and come back into the room or where you are...  close your own physical sacred circle-space and make note of any teachings or guidance you received during your journey...  also know that deeper awareness may still come later...

If you feel called, offer ceremony with a gift or despacho to the Sacred Cedars near you and/or hold them within your own mesa or bundle...

I welcome you to share any insights you may have received in the comment below... so we can share with each other as we do when we gather to journey... to share our wisdom and the knowings from Grandmother Wolf and the Sacred Cedars...
I thank you for connecting in and caring ... for they thank you too...

Wishing you many bright blessings...
with much love + light.. weaver x (((o)))

below... the blessed sacred Cedars of Gabriola....... 
photos by weaver x 

Above post, shamanic journey meditation + photos by weaver © 2016 - all rights reserved...
- the 20-minute journey drumming track, 'riding the wave' with rattle can be purchased + downloaded at cdbaby.com - from the album, 'journey with laughing wolf'
​- thank you for supporting my work... with appreciation, weaver x (((o)))

If you read my last e-News last month, you'll know that we received unexpected notice to move in January - to be out of our home by April 1st... 

And, needless to say, we didn't have much luck here in the Burnaby/Vancouver area finding anything...  As you probably know, the housing market in the lower mainland has really gone crazy with prices skyrocketing all over the place...  Also, property taxes were raised as well - here in Burnaby, a whopping 17%.

This has also affected renting in the lower mainland in a huge way... and, during our search we weren't seeing much option that was affordable nor much availability.  This really surprised and shocked us...

We were becoming concerned when still hadn't found a new home into late February... We had put out our intentions, offered ceremony and did our best to remain positive that something was indeed awaiting  us... though, time was ticking by...

One very early morning, under a few weeks ago, i was awakened by a very strong dream... When i have a strong dream like that, i know that spirit is wanting my attention...

In the dream, i am on the deck of an old rickety house in the woods... i wasn't alone as there were a bunch of people gathered about... someone warned me that i needed to be very careful to not let 'that' bear in past the gate... i was aware that a black bear was wandering about outside the gate...

I fumbled with the gate's door handle over and over without being able to keep it closed or locked...  I kept feeling a sense of urgency and frustration... this went on what seemed like, forever...

The scene shifts where i realized the bear was now coming in through the gate and onto the deck with me...  I found myself now huddled down in a far corner to protect myself from bear... i was definitely concerned and upset that i had failed with the gate...  Next, big mama bear was right over me, right up close, leaning on me and sniffing me all over my head, neck and shoulders... it was sooo real... i could really feel her... smell her and sensed her long rough fur on my skin... the weight of her head pressing her wet nose... hearing her snort and sniff....

As she continued to sniff me out, i felt some fear rise from within me... mama bear growled deeply when she sensed my fear... i realized that i had to stop my fear now and did... she wouldn't stop sniffing and sniffing... at first she was a black bear and then morphed to the colour cream and then back to black... she then stopped her intense sniffing and simply laid her head in my lap resting...

Next scene... i'm still crouched down and now two smaller animals like badgers (i think) are now on either side of me and rise up on their hind legs to sniff out my ears as intensely as the bear did!  After that, three black dogs came up onto the deck...  and, then i woke right up!  = holy whoa...

I shared my dream at our journeying circle that next week and my friend Glen offered some insight... of which i found very helpful... here's some symbolism he shared...

• The Bear in some traditions represents personal medicine, spiritual gifting...
• The House can represent the spiritual life or path...
• The Gate in front are the limitations that have been placed on that path...

In the dream the house is old which perhaps has been there for a long while... a path that has been developed over time. There is a gate that blocks limits access to the house.  Sometimes the gate is open, then other times it is closed to keep the “bad” or fearful out.  At this moment I am trying trying to close that gate without success to keep that bear out. Trying to limit the the medicine on my path. (it is not a conscious, effort)...

Despite my best efforts to keep the bear out, the bear gets past the gate and past the limitations that have been placed in its path.

The good news is that the medicine is morphing - changing from a black bear to a Kermode or spirit bear (colour change from black to cream colour)... Still a black bear but looks very different.  The bear lays its head on my lap.  No fear - only love, peace and tranquility even though bears are huge and powerful.

My friend suggested i connect with the spirit of Bear to help me... of which i did... i connected with a lovely photo of a black bear (right)... and went within to say 'hello'...

It's interesting, back in September, a black bear paid me a visit when i was parking my car... i had just got home and was just getting some groceries out of the car when s/he came trotting right out of the forest towards me.... we shared quite 'the hello'... 

It was a brief encounter though a very exciting one... I was sooo taken with her size, beauty and grace and how fast she moved!  I didn't think much of that encounter at the time... though knew inside my heart that i had received a sweet blessing...

After the dream, we were then guided to look further for housing out of Vancouver and over to the Island in and around Nanaimo... We noticed that prices weren't so high and more affordable... perhaps there was some hope here?... The thought of moving away from Vancouver/Burnaby was a concern... as i have lived here most of my life... my family was here and my work was here...

We still weren't finding much there either when, we began to see some rentals on Gabriola Island... we had seen a couple that looked good though, we assumed were gone - as they had been posted back in January.

Something nudged us to contact one of the ads we kept seeing - just to see if maybe, it was still available and, low and behold, it was!   We made contact and arrangements to go over to 'Gabe' to have a look and meet the owner.  On the way over, on the ferry we decided to contact another more recent ad and the owner answered and she interviewed us over the phone... The owner then decided to fly out from Alberta to meet us later that next day.

So, in the end, the second house turned out to be 'the one' - as soon as we walked in the door, we both felt strongly we were 'home'... we made the decision to say yes and make this big move to 'Gabe'...

We weren't expecting this at all...  though i know deeply that spirit has directed this big move in so many ways...and time will reveal more i'm sure...  I believe that mama bear has marked this new 'pacha' for us when she showed up out of the blue last September when she walked out of the forest and completely sniffed me out in my recent dream... She helped us 'sniff' out a new home... to embrace a whole new pacha-shift in our lives.... we've been invited to go even deeper within our own spirit... an opportunity to grow a strength connected much closer to mother earth...

I now stand in complete wonder... amazement... and, some fear beginning again so anew... and some sadness all at the same time... = holy wow...

Even though we are leaving the 'big city'...the Vancouver area to live on Gabriola Island, please know i am not far away - that i will still be back working in Vancouver on a regular basis (and other areas i have been been)... please see my calendar of what's coming up in April and throughout the year... I am open to all that is new in this shifting change...  thanks for taking the time to have a boo... 

with brightest blessing of much love + light...
​weaver x (((o)))

​Ms. Murphy Gray 
1999 - 2015

fa·mil·iar 
fəˈmilyər/Submit 
adjective
1. well known from long or close association.
2. in close friendship; intimate.

Gee, time flies!  It's already been a month since my sweet 'familiar' Murphy passed away suddenly (on the evening of May 8th, 2015)...

Good ol' Murph was in my life for 16+ years... that's a long time that overlapped a few pachas in my own life... it's hard to believe she's truly gone - i have to admit it all happened a tad too fast...

Murph was a constant heart-presence in my life... she especially loved being a part of sacred drum-birthing and all aspects of it... She would tend and hold space for the soaking hide whenever i was birthing a drum and enjoyed the sound whenever i played... she even liked the sound of the rattle...

Since she passed, our house is a lot more quiet in a funny, strange way... Her usual routine is completely gone now, which has some getting used to... I truly miss her being with me in every moment when i was home... we were best 'familiar' buddies on so many levels... we knew each other so well...

My heart feels much hurt tho also so full at the same time - an interesting feeling it is....... one i can only breathe through connecting me deeply...

And so, we now feel her spirit in a whole new way... my partner and i sense her often now in her 'familiar' spots where she snoozed, played, lounged and ate... i have caught her in the corner of my eye a lot - we know she is still with us... and always will be...

Murph, my sweet little four-legged... i really miss you... i miss your constant talking... your sleek Russian-Blue grayness immense beauty... our high-five's, playing 'Kato'-chase... and how much you taught me about deep love of the heart in any given present moment... thank you for this dear gift sweetie........

I know you're lounging in your usual Sphinx-fashion somewhere over the rainbow bridge... i honour you... i will never forget you...

i love ya boo! - your 'familiar' spirit, 
weaver x (((o)))

all photos of dear ms. murphy by weaver... © copyright - all rights reserved x (((o)))

The last number of months i've been offering shamanic journeying evenings here in Burnaby - we've been meeting at least twice a month.  It's a time to gather together within sacred space to deepen our shamanic practice together by practicing the ancient art of journeying.  I've been honoured to sound the sacred drum on behalf of those who come.

I've been personally practicing my own journeying while i drum for everyone - something of which i find challenging as i also know i need to stay focused for the group.   Though, the more i practice, the easier it is getting.  I don't have complete journeys, though some significant snippets have come that have been beneficial for me. 

This last week, i had an interesting and fun journey for sure...

For my intention, i asked to say hello to a past animal guide - one that i know is still with me even though we don't seem to engage a lot like we used to...

sooo... as i journey while i drum along, i find myself on snowy owl's soft feathery back - it feels so good as we fly together... and, i feel so safe.... we're gliding silently high above the clouds when snowy owl suddenly tilts sharp over to one side and i slip off her back landing on a cloud below in a tumble... 

As i right myself, there with me, right in front, is a big fat smiling bull frog and we say hello...

"It's been a long time weaver" bull frog says...

"Oh I know!... though i always know you're with me - so nice to see you again," i reply...

"it's still been quite a while sister... thank you for dropping by...  It's about time you showed up." he quips...

Bull frog then sticks out his long skinny tongue at me and zaps all these dark blobs that were hovering all around my head and heart - this takes him awhile it seems - he takes his time...

He then wraps his tongue all around me like a lasso rope and squeezes a bit... (I wasn't sure what that part was about!)... Though, i guess he had to make sure that all the blobs were gone or something... 

And, during this whole time, he never stopped smiling.  

"Ha! Ha!  You're too funny! - thank you!"  I said to bull frog...

"You're welcome weaver - anytime eh?  You know i'm always here"... he said...

It was good to reconnect with bull frog again - i forgot what a goof he can be!   This sweet journey also reminded me that our spirit guides are always with us, though, patiently waiting to connect with us... they won't engage until we do - that is their integrity...  So, i welcome you to say hello and welcome your own spirit guidance... they may surprise you!

Thank you all for a beautiful journeying night yet again everyone.... I hope you will join us again - see my calendar for next dates coming up!

Brightest blessings and happy journeying... weaver x (((o)))

*Hucha or Hoocha is a Quechua term for 'heavy, dark energy' - it's not negative or positive, just heavy and dark... and it's only created by us dear humans... in our healing practice, we are blessed with the 'illumination process' which helps us to let go of that hucha that doesn't serve us - we don't need to hang on to it... it is our blessed earth mother who lovingly 'receives' our hucha... which feeds her, like compost... she reminds us of the beautiful gift she offers us and us for her... let us remember this sacred relationship... x (((o)))

...honouring beejay madeline-sneak
...i shall never forget you my 'little bear'
​ever...

dream…

I had one of those wild, powerful dreams early this morning... just before i woke up… that's usually when these shamanic dreams show up...

Scene… I’m assisting and sharing music at a medicine wheel gathering up in the Kamloops area of BC, but not the usual place… this time, it’s different… as the group is gathering to start the weekend, the teacher and i step out of the meeting room and onto a wooden deck off the main room to discuss the agenda and what music i could share for the day…

The scene quickly changes and we’re continuing the conversation as we stand in the middle of a small orchard… the tall, dry grass is almost up to our knees and waist…and there are many small fruit trees scattered about… suddenly, with no warning or sound, and out of nowhere… what we catch a glimpse of…what seems to be a very large red-tailed hawk… it literally falls out of the sky and lands hard and loudly with a “frrrwump!” on the ground about 8-10 feet from us…

I remembered noticing that the hawk was larger than it should be… as big, if not bigger than a mature eagle... i remembered it's distinct tail feathers and colouring... we were sure it was dead by how hard it hit the ground...

The teacher suggested that i go over to check and see… that just maybe it might be alive… and so off i ran out into the long grasses... i couldn't seem to find it… anywhere near where we thought it had landed... it wasn’t there…

I looked all over a large area between the fruit trees… what i did find on the dense grassed ground, was a very small, baby flicker woodpecker... i picked it up, holding it in both cupped hands and noticed that it's wings had been slightly clipped... it was really pissed off that i had picked it up.. it quickly jumped out of my hands back onto the ground and started running away… and i would repeatedly catch it, pick it back up and hold it in my hands... we played this fruitless game a number of times… as it continued to be very annoyed with me… my justification was my concern to help as i knew it couldn't fly...

Scene suddenly changes again….

The teacher and i are both back near the meeting building… being both aware that we needed to get back to the group... we walk up a few stairs back to the deck, when i notice out of the corner of my eye, and to my right is again the huge red-tailed hawk... it has reappeared under the deck and upside down on its back with both wings completely spread open... my first thought was that it’s dead but as i cautiously walked over closer to get a better look... i could tell that the large hawk was breathing… as its wings gently rose and fell with a rhythm – upside down…

As i get closer and closer, the hawk quickly realizes that it's being observed by me... it elegantly turns and rights itself back onto it’s sharp-taloned feet… turning its head, staring at me with it's magnificent, intense yellow eyes whose light seems to laser right through my being...

and then… i wake up....

brightest blessings.... weaver (((o)))